For those of you that don't already know, several weeks ago a councilor told me I had ADHD. He read off 25 classic symptons of ADHD from the DSM(Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) and of those 25 I exhibited 23 that I could recall without hesitation or prethought on the sympton. This previous Thursday I went to see a psychiatrist who prescibed to me Adderall a stimulant used in the treatment of ADHD. I was so excited to get it I tried Thursday night at Walgreens who was out, Friday morning at Walmart who didn't open until 9AM, Friday at lunch who was closed for lunch and finally Friday after work in the pouring rain and the following account of my weekend is why.
I am a new man starting Friday afternoon or rather I feel I am. I take the medicine as soon as I get home. It's my night to cook so the delay works in my favor. As it takes effect I am sitting at the table with my wife and son. I'm able to follow my wife's conversation and not look away. I'm not distracted by my three year old insisting on telling me some fact he wished to repeat over and over again. To give context to this miracle you must know that for the entirety of a life I can remember I've never been able to look anyone in the face for very long. To further illustrate this point my wife and I had a date two weeks back at Firebirds at a small table facing each other and I was so hurt that I could not stare directly at her for more then say 120 seconds dispite my best efforts. At some point I tell my wife how excited I am because it's been over four minutes and I've not had the urge to look around or check my phone or respond to my son once. I was able to engulf myself in her beautiful face and the words of her day. She cries, I wish I could say over joyed with my new ability but more overburdened by what must have felt to be a lifetime of inattentiveness and I can only guess what she assumed was just me not caring. My words are not affected by her feelings or suddle nuances of her face, I am coherent and clear in my word selection and say what I mean to say. I feel like a three year old who has just been able to speak like Robert Frost. She goes to put Parker to bed, I stay with Kane. I help him continue with his dinner by continually redirecting him back to his food. I'm not distracted by his singing or his unconscious ability to continually throw me off the task at hand. He responds well and eats everything off his plate with the exception of carrots and green beans but managed to eat half of a third pound turkey burger, 1/4 cup of backed beans and probably 6 grapes. In this instance the devil is in the details, the fact that I can remember this is remarkable. Previously I couldn't tell you the majority of what I did in a day and in an instant I was now mentally present in the world I was physically in and could recount the majority of it. I put my son to bed as my wife goes to work out even though she doesn't need to. I am amazed that I'm not frustrated by his need to give me lengthy explainations for any and everything and for the most part the night has gone off without incident, certainly a first time in a while. I read a book to him and am able to read visually the next line as I'm speaking the last, a talent I had not had before. Imagine how Peter Parker first felt when learning he could climb a wall, I wanted to read large books in a single night. I was excited to read a book, for any of you that know me this in itself should prove the significance of this event. I go into the room and begin to explain my new found state of mind to Shannon, she starts to cry again and I can only guess at that moment because she has missed this for so long and for so long it's steered our relationship. The constant bickering about not doing what I committed to, or forgetting what was said or not paying attention to important conversations. Once again I'm able to remain calm and not have what I'm saying affected by her emotional response, an attribute I've learned is key in most any interaction now. It's one thing to me empathetic, it's another to be symbiotic and almost controlled by someone else's feeling as if they are you own. In a winfall of emotion I sob uncontrollably. I think of my life's missed opportunity, the pain I've put family and friends through against my will, the cage of chaos I was trapped in. I break down recounting failed friendships and arguing matches with Shannon. I recall images of her frustration and specifically how her face looks when "I've done it again". We work through the emotion and I go out for beer, a movie and skittles for Shannon, they are her favorite, all three.
The next morning Shannon has to go grocery shopping while I take care of the kids. While she is gone I get the clothes folded and put away. I'm able to sand and paint parts of the walls that have been on my list of things to get done. I make my bed and put away clothes left out the night before. I clean out all the dishes in the drying rack. I take out the trash. I feed the kids and put Parker down for a nap. I wash down the counters. It's important to stop for a moment and tell you I wasn't responsible for anything I've done at this point except for maybe the paint and the kids because well they have to eat but they were task that needed to get done. I know some of you may scoff at this, may assume it's me trying to suck up to my wife or go above and beyond to prove that the reason I didn't do these things all along was the ADHD. In short it was, I wasn't able to look around the room and see the task that had to be completed only observe what was where it was. You'd have to be me to understand what that means. My wife comes home and doesn't say much but I don't expect a parade or trophy but she does thank me. I lament to her later how I felt, how good it felt to have done so much and not feel like I had to but rather that I wanted to because it needed to happen. She crys again, I'm not doing so hot this weekend am I? She tells me it's good to know she wasn't crazy, it wasn't unrealistic to expect these things and be frustrated by my lack of commitment and what felt like pulling all the weight. She soon regains composure and we go about our business. We take Kane to soccer, we stop and get him McDonalds after what turned out to be a wonder game he participated in. My wife runs to the tailor, when she returned I run up to Perrys and don't spend countless hours wandering around "shopping". I get what I need and come back. I start working on more things that need to get done because she is now napping. She wakes up and we talk more about the day and she goes off with a friend of ours to the movies. I get the kids up and ready, we play and hang out and I get them feed and dressed for my mothers. We drop the kids off and go on a "date" to Buffalo Wild Wings to watch UNC shut down ECU. It is a glorious time, I laugh and have fun with her, I enjoy her company, I listen to her day and her stories and I ask relavent questions in response. I interact with people around us and piss off two ECU alumni girls by asking for a high five after UNC scores it's second touch down. We wrap up the night, 12 wings and 2 servings of corn dogs later and go home for the night after picking up the kids.
Today I woke up and took on several more task after sleeping in a bit and then feeding the kids. I fix door knobs and dresser handles I haven't addressed in months and paint some more. I leave to help my mother in law and her husband move his mother into a retirement community. We make several trips, I remain calculated and still retain the ability to discern the best case scenario quickly but am able to focus and quickly move through the labor. I come home, more football, dinner, class at church and now home again.
Shannon and I talk about the class we just attended on contemporary Christian issues and as we're wrapping up I start a line with "I'm coming down from my medicine" she responds with a line that only reflects the emotions she's been accosted by over the years and the triggers she's aquired because of it. I recongize this as a highly charged situation and decide to write out what I was about to say. She goes to bed, sometimes it's best just to take a time out.
It's now 10:19. I haven't had much trouble in writing this at all. Occasionally I switch to my Google tab in my browser to search for the correct spelling of a word that doesn't look right on my screen. I haven't wandered to tommorow's events or Alt-Tabed back to google to check my mail or look up something that caught my train of thought. Apparently I'm not coming down from my medicine like I thought I was, I thought I only got four good hours but I'm thinking it's more like 6 plus. I guess I should write a disclaimer in now, I am not now Spider Man. I still am able to get distracted, and still can be forgetful about where I put my beer although now I remember "Oh I left it in the bathroom". My hand writing hasn't improved and as best I can tell neither has my writing. I'm not some super cleaner who can task without stopping or life getting in the way I'm just able to get back to what I was doing now without having forgot. I still make jokes nervously, rehearse conversations in my head and impulsively tell people "the truth" although I'll admit a bit more filtered now.
These next lines may ring cliche to a few of you but if you or someone you know is possibly battling similar symptons I urge you to consult a local psychiatrist or assist them. You aren't crazy, you aren't dumb or lazy, you just need help. In my spare time this weekend I had raced through the possibilities I felt were opened to me now, I've wanted to experience everything over again with my new found focus. I was once a disbeliever in this "fad" and just believed I was different but I see now that I needed help. If this weekend has been any indication as to how drastically my life can be changed for the better then I would even go so far as to beg anyone possibly suffering with this to get help, you deserve to unchain yourself from the restraints of ADHD or ADD. My experience may be different from yours and so will my symptons but hopefully not the outcome. Thanks for reading guys, I hope this helps someone and most of all thank you Shannon. You've put up with so much over the years, you've fought a battle with someone who didn't know he was in a war. You've sliped up and because you are human you've erred, but I love you for still being upstairs waiting for me to come to bed. As long as I can I will work against this and take medicine to help me release the husband, father and person I know I can be now.
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