Indeed a big blur. I woke up with yet another splitting headache...not sure if it was due to the NCSU pre-gaming beverages (sadness! I practically passed out before it even began!) or the lack of blood flow in my head...also due to way too many cold ones and late nights recently. We have been going strong daily (and nightly) since Friday, the 23rd with no end in sight. Note: Drink more water, eat more bread, do more yoga.
But tonight was exceptional for one reason only.
Parker was born with jet black hair, a V-bac, risky birth, at noon on the dot, this day 2010. Unlike Kane, they placed him in my arms right after I pushed for the last time, and he looked up at me with the biggest and brightest, most hopeful eyes I have ever made contact with in my life. My God, he was perfect, angelic, and astonishing. Today he has a mess of scraggly dirty blond hair, wide world eyes, and the best laugh a baby could possibly have. He still manages to stir my soul with a single look.
Tonight we celebrated with frozen pizza, overly large balloons hanging from the ceiling, a richly designed cake, a handful of good friends and family (whom I always seem to call at the last minute when I put off making extravagant plans), and a boat load of napkins. It's too bad his birthday falls in the winter... we could have more easily sprayed him down in the backyard like we did with Kane. On the way home I found myself driving behind a Jeep with one of those Life is Good stickers plastered on the rear window and I laughed (like out loud) because it's true. Life is good.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Rainy Daze
I am FREE! It's 20 degrees warmer than I expected it to be, and instead of snow we have rain, but I'm free! Today was an awesome day for any classroom teacher that went "above and beyond" the land of CMAP. I don't care what anybody says, public school teachers should celebrate the holidays with their students. Not exclusively because it's fun but because we spend 8 hours with them 180 days of the year and we try to treat them the way we would treat our own children...at least we do our best without a pay-raise in God knows how long. Wouldn't you celebrate a winter holiday with your own kid? Even a Jehovah's Witness is playing a part in it all in some way, shape, or form. Seriously, think about it. Whether its at a place of worship or even leaving school early to avoid the celebrations...is that not, in its own way, at the very least, acknowledging the holidays? I mean REALLY. And what central office employee or board member or superintendent did nothing, wore nothing, said nothing, exchanged nothing, baked nothing, or decorated nothing in light of the season? They all have desks. I know they've got something sitting on it that screams Merry Christmas or Happy Hanukkah or rejoice for Ramadan, or Happy New Year or whatever! BUT oh no, we are the only ones that have to go to battle with swords of objectives and target goals, benchmarks, and interventions against the government to have a holiday celebration that involves food, parents, and an educational movie to prove that we are not "wasting instructional time".... "wasting time with kids"???? Has anybody thought about that statement at all? Why do we get the flack for wasting instructional time? What about the parents that are not supporting student learning, or the laws that are keeping kids in classrooms where they aren't learning to their potential because it's not the best environment for them? Where is the scare tactic litigation that is sent to these lovely citizens stating that if they don't start doing their job as moms and dads, or policy makers, that they will be given bad evaluations that effect their jobs as parents and employees for the school system? I am a good teacher (there's data to support that claim so it can't be considered bragging if it's a factual statement that is supported with clear and consistent evidence), and I love my job. It's not even possible for me to be wasting instructional time with the kids. Never. They are not just a job that I have to prove I'm good at. I live and breathe in that classroom all day long and they are right next to me...looking at me, with hope, as their fearless leader that would jump in front of a bullet for any of them. They are just kids that need to be lovingly taught how to be successful and confident life-long learners. There are so many other factors that would make us "better teachers" or help the students learn more in shorter amounts of time... So many other factors that it begins to have nothing to do with time at all.... but once again, it's our fault, not the parents, not the government, and we have to own that or our jobs are at risk.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Seven
How did that happen??? There are seven days until Christmas and ten days until Parker's first birthday, and I found another grey hair. UGH. It's.. I mean I just... geez. Can't even write a blog on this. Totally unintelligible at the moment anyway.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Food Lion
I was leaving church when one of the other members stopped in to tell us there had been a shooting at the local Food Lion in town. We were told the shooter was still at large. What must of looked typical of small town residents the men quickly called their families to share the news and instruct them to lock the doors. I followed suit as well. On the way home I drove past a house with several cop cars surrounding it and no flashing lights. I found out later the gun man was suspected to have been holding up in the house which apparently wasn't the case.
As I got home my wife and I talked about it some more and even called neighbors to see if they knew of anything. We watched a news clip and when a local cashier came on to tell his side of the event we in unison said "I know him". I guess that was the shock of it all, in what most would consider cliche that same cashier's mother was later filmed crying and could only muster the strength to say "This type of thing just doesn't happen", she stopped short of "here". I don't know if she was realizing it does and did happen here or just couldn't finish the sentence. I can't speak for my wife but I do know I was a little uneasy as we lay in the living room watching TV. This sort of thing had only happen to me once before as a middle school child. I had came home after school to hear on the news a man with a knife had been spotted running through a neighborhood behind mine. It's a scary feeling and in some ways a bit silly I guess, to know a senseless act has just occurred in your home town and the perpetrator is still at large. The probability of that said monster breaking into your home and yet you still feel vulnerable and in some ways violated. All the same I passed out on my couch for a night of sleep.
Today I had to stop in and pick up some food for the dogs and pumpkin for the puppy, she's not feeling well. We only have two grocery stores in town and as I am partial to Food Lion. I've never stepped foot in the other, to me it's too foreign now to switch. I pulled in the parking lot not sure of how I would act. My wife had said it looked busy when she passed and so "was safe". Why did that statement seem so ridicules and yet appropriate now? As I stepped out of my car I wondered if my dress shirt and pants would make me look like a reporter. I had never worried about that before. As I walked up to the front door I just felt out of place. This store was no different physically then it was two days ago for the same pumpkin run. Now though the lights seemed brighter and oddly there seemed to be more staff. As I walked the isles there were men, barely old enough to be called that stocking shelves together, joking and laughing. I crossed to another isle and caught glimpse of a group of cashiers standing with the front end manager and one of the shift or store managers, they too were laughing. Had three people not been shot here the day before? Should I be happy these people seemingly were able to cope with this new reality. Was this not as momentous as it seemed? I had forgotten a cart or hand basket and so you can imagine my walk up to the register with four cans of chicken, 3 cans of pumpkin and a 30lb bag of dog food made me look pretty comical. I didn't recognize the girl at the register, I'm guessing she was new. She made a comment about dog's eating more then us and I remarked something about how the bag wouldn't make it through a week. I had wrestled with whether to ask what had happened, I could see a boy telling the story at another register. At least he was animated about whatever he was talking about as if telling a tale of knights and dragons. I presented my MVP card so I wouldn't miss out on my "dealz" as the cashier reminded me and I paid for my loads of dog food.
As I gathered up my food now thankfully in a bag and tossed the 30lbs over my shoulder I turned around to walk out and that's when I caught glimpse of her. A security guard. In that instant I caught her eye and she shot back a cocked smile to be polite but that almost seemed to say "I'm not sure why I'm here either". She was a late 20's African American female with what looked like a freshly pressed or brand new security guard uniform. She looked as awkward as I would at her family reunion. I kept walking, almost faster as if the presence of the security guard had changed the atmosphere and I wanted to get out faster. As I loaded up the car and got in I thought "Did all of this really happen?"
The answer is "yes" it did, in an instant a small town was rocked by what was essentially a horrible domestic dispute and the details didn't help the case. Two African American males who worked together and were "partners" as the news seemed to make a point to continually reference. As if there wasn't enough gossip around the incident. Wendell has roughly the population of 7 thousand people and this type of thing does change a town this small. As patrons of the store we did wonder if it could of been us, for God's sake there's only two grocery stores actually in town. I will probably forget about the shooting after awhile and continue on with living here the same as I always have but for now I have to say like so many grieving witnesses and shocked residents before me despite knowing it's not true. "These things just don't happen here".
As I got home my wife and I talked about it some more and even called neighbors to see if they knew of anything. We watched a news clip and when a local cashier came on to tell his side of the event we in unison said "I know him". I guess that was the shock of it all, in what most would consider cliche that same cashier's mother was later filmed crying and could only muster the strength to say "This type of thing just doesn't happen", she stopped short of "here". I don't know if she was realizing it does and did happen here or just couldn't finish the sentence. I can't speak for my wife but I do know I was a little uneasy as we lay in the living room watching TV. This sort of thing had only happen to me once before as a middle school child. I had came home after school to hear on the news a man with a knife had been spotted running through a neighborhood behind mine. It's a scary feeling and in some ways a bit silly I guess, to know a senseless act has just occurred in your home town and the perpetrator is still at large. The probability of that said monster breaking into your home and yet you still feel vulnerable and in some ways violated. All the same I passed out on my couch for a night of sleep.
Today I had to stop in and pick up some food for the dogs and pumpkin for the puppy, she's not feeling well. We only have two grocery stores in town and as I am partial to Food Lion. I've never stepped foot in the other, to me it's too foreign now to switch. I pulled in the parking lot not sure of how I would act. My wife had said it looked busy when she passed and so "was safe". Why did that statement seem so ridicules and yet appropriate now? As I stepped out of my car I wondered if my dress shirt and pants would make me look like a reporter. I had never worried about that before. As I walked up to the front door I just felt out of place. This store was no different physically then it was two days ago for the same pumpkin run. Now though the lights seemed brighter and oddly there seemed to be more staff. As I walked the isles there were men, barely old enough to be called that stocking shelves together, joking and laughing. I crossed to another isle and caught glimpse of a group of cashiers standing with the front end manager and one of the shift or store managers, they too were laughing. Had three people not been shot here the day before? Should I be happy these people seemingly were able to cope with this new reality. Was this not as momentous as it seemed? I had forgotten a cart or hand basket and so you can imagine my walk up to the register with four cans of chicken, 3 cans of pumpkin and a 30lb bag of dog food made me look pretty comical. I didn't recognize the girl at the register, I'm guessing she was new. She made a comment about dog's eating more then us and I remarked something about how the bag wouldn't make it through a week. I had wrestled with whether to ask what had happened, I could see a boy telling the story at another register. At least he was animated about whatever he was talking about as if telling a tale of knights and dragons. I presented my MVP card so I wouldn't miss out on my "dealz" as the cashier reminded me and I paid for my loads of dog food.
As I gathered up my food now thankfully in a bag and tossed the 30lbs over my shoulder I turned around to walk out and that's when I caught glimpse of her. A security guard. In that instant I caught her eye and she shot back a cocked smile to be polite but that almost seemed to say "I'm not sure why I'm here either". She was a late 20's African American female with what looked like a freshly pressed or brand new security guard uniform. She looked as awkward as I would at her family reunion. I kept walking, almost faster as if the presence of the security guard had changed the atmosphere and I wanted to get out faster. As I loaded up the car and got in I thought "Did all of this really happen?"
The answer is "yes" it did, in an instant a small town was rocked by what was essentially a horrible domestic dispute and the details didn't help the case. Two African American males who worked together and were "partners" as the news seemed to make a point to continually reference. As if there wasn't enough gossip around the incident. Wendell has roughly the population of 7 thousand people and this type of thing does change a town this small. As patrons of the store we did wonder if it could of been us, for God's sake there's only two grocery stores actually in town. I will probably forget about the shooting after awhile and continue on with living here the same as I always have but for now I have to say like so many grieving witnesses and shocked residents before me despite knowing it's not true. "These things just don't happen here".
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Things I Adore!
My husband. His eyes. How he shaves, and then an hour later needs to shave again. The way he fixes my car in the dark...over and over and over again...Our children. A "happy bowl". "Can you get me more dressed?" All things Christmas. My team at work. Pirate football. All things ECU. State games...especially tailgaiting. Baking with my mom. Drinking with my dad. My dad...and his home in Verona. Poker with Lex. Baths. Books. Fires on cold wet winter nights. Autumn. Kids. Blowing Rock in October. Small cabins. Playing cards with Josh. Movies. Teaching. Animals (most of them). Coloring. Painting. Pottery. Church. Antiques. Geneology. Geology. MacGyver. Music. Old trucks. Writing. Europe. The beach. The mountains. Pizza. Steak. Ribs. Corn on the cob and turkey legs from the fair. The fair. Road Trips. Bad Teacher. Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Superbad. Harry Potter. Lord of the Rings. Coolers full of drinks. The pool. Classic rock. Thunderstorms. Chips and dip. Seafood. Summer nights. Star studded skies. Camping. Long walks. Great pictures. Letters in the mail. Crime shows. Sailing. Surf fishing. Boating. Kayaking. Running. 70 degree weather. Sleep. Research. Hilsbourough St. Ice cream. Smart people. Old people. Make-up. Sensual Amber lotion. Nail polish. Braids. Watching sports. Watching people. The mall. Pink. Red. Skittles. Coke. Old t-shirts. Bdubs. Cookouts. Fireworks. Sunflowers. Family. Roses. Cigars. Chocolate. "The Thinking Spot". Rock hopping in Montreat. Montreat. The Dominican Republic. Barcelona. Rome. WRPC. PCM. CBC. YMCA. Windy days. Kites. Saying the Pledge of Allegiance every morning. Praying. Scripture. Studying with Josh. Libraries. "The House" My dogs. My cat. Dwarf siberian hamsters. Balloons. Trampolenes. Payday. Sports bars for football with Josh. Tats. Pedicures. Going to college. Foot rubs. Sons of Guns. Popcorn Jelly Belly beans. Cinnamon buns. Big breakfasts. Snow. Lava lamps. Collecting seashells. Wearing Josh's clothes on nights and weekends. His smell. Parker's hair. Kane's eyes. "Mommy, I love you so very much in the whole world." America. scarves. Milkshakes. Savannah. Tybee Island. Girl scout camp. Ring pops. Dirt roads. Coffee. Hot chocolate. Hot tea. Sweet tea. Sprite. Dolphins. Carebears. Cooking. Ramen. New haircuts. New shoes. New clothes. Earrings. Country music. Horror movies. Climbing trees. Swings. Playing with the boys. Lake Hickory. 2 dollar bills. 50 cent pieces. Sweet dreams.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
I can do this.
About a year ago someone told me to stop fighting what I wanted ... and to just let things fall where they fell. So I did. But then I fell, and it hurt. It still hurts. I have wrestled with the scrapes and scabs ever since and I guess I just kindof kept picking at the wounds off and on, pretending like I was healing... Then I had a few spots of skin cancer removed... then my uncle was diagnosed with throat cancer... and there's more... I mean it just goes on and on, but I guess those are the two things that made me wake up. Because my family needs me, and I need them. So. I AM going to fight. I am going to fight for what I believe is right... even if it isn't always what I want. I'm just sorry for what I lost in not realizing that like a year ago.
Parker
Parker's first Christmas is coming. It is crazy that he will be 3 days shy of a year on Christmas. Crazy that we drove thru snow and ice in my step-dad's truck to get to the hospital at 2am. Crazy how much I was determined not to have an epidural. Crazy how I've sacrificed my relationship with him for almost a year now....because I was too busy with other things. I didn't pass National Boards. And today everything that's happened over the past few months made National Boards the trigger for what I'll just call "a fit of humility". An absolute total fit. So thank God for the opportunity for a re-do of 2011. Soooooo..... done.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
A good weekend and...
To fill you in on a few things over the past few weeks. Kane had a great week last week after his teacher suggested we let him bring JoJo to coherce him into making better choices, so apparently his love of JoJo makes him more managable. Apparently his love of JoJo(his pet stuffed bear) gives him a gentle push in the direction of the choice that doesn't find him sitting in time out in school. I guess he could care less if he is in timeout, but the same is not true if JoJo is threatened with time out.
Shannon botched a suprise puppy and so we ended up bringing the newest member of the family home early, an 8 week old German Shepard/Siberian Husky mix we have named Sascha which means "defender of mankind". I can say that so far the name fits the personality as she is larger then life like most puppies. As I speak she's dragging Shannon's planner away and attacking the pen in her hand, after Shannon removed the planner from in front of her to the couch Sascha went back to the pen. It too is now on the couch and Sascha's mouth has been relocated in a toy knot for now. The other dogs tolerate her but barely, no blood or continious yelping but lots of growls and general dog speak for "stop bothering me". By the time I finished this Sascha had given up on the toy knot and gone to Shannon's left foot.
I've learned that though my mind works in melting pot of metaphors, analogies, idioms and imagery the rest of the world speaks English and the meaning of my analogies isn't always so clear to them. It's hard to explain but here recently I was asked to describe how I felt about something and I responded "it's hard to say, the feeling is like a whisper in a large room". To me it was obvious the feeling seemed so far away it was hard for me to recongize what it was like a whisper in a large room. What I learned is that the person I was talking to didn't come to the same meaning. I guess that's why poetry and song lyrics are open for interpretation. Sometimes it is best to just be direct and simple in what you say.
Shannon botched a suprise puppy and so we ended up bringing the newest member of the family home early, an 8 week old German Shepard/Siberian Husky mix we have named Sascha which means "defender of mankind". I can say that so far the name fits the personality as she is larger then life like most puppies. As I speak she's dragging Shannon's planner away and attacking the pen in her hand, after Shannon removed the planner from in front of her to the couch Sascha went back to the pen. It too is now on the couch and Sascha's mouth has been relocated in a toy knot for now. The other dogs tolerate her but barely, no blood or continious yelping but lots of growls and general dog speak for "stop bothering me". By the time I finished this Sascha had given up on the toy knot and gone to Shannon's left foot.
I've learned that though my mind works in melting pot of metaphors, analogies, idioms and imagery the rest of the world speaks English and the meaning of my analogies isn't always so clear to them. It's hard to explain but here recently I was asked to describe how I felt about something and I responded "it's hard to say, the feeling is like a whisper in a large room". To me it was obvious the feeling seemed so far away it was hard for me to recongize what it was like a whisper in a large room. What I learned is that the person I was talking to didn't come to the same meaning. I guess that's why poetry and song lyrics are open for interpretation. Sometimes it is best to just be direct and simple in what you say.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Breathing again...
So I've had a case of insomnia since I was a kid in the single digits. I finally went to a psychiatrist after years of dealing with loopy doctors or PAs, and she prescribed Zolpidem (AKA Ambien CR). I have never in my life slept more than 4 to 5 hours 5 days in a row. So clearly life is good. Do you know there was a pile of 5 loads of laundry sitting on my couch for 3 days and I didn't care? Well...that's not true. I cared. But I didn't do anything about it, which, if you know me, you might think an alien came down and hijacked my mind. I tried to explain it to Josh tonight... basically it's been like running on adrenaline during the day, and crashing at night only to find things quiet and calm enough to think about what actually matters...but being jealous and generally disturbed by the monstrous snores of your lovely spouse, or the uncanny fact that you are not sleeping and want to. So now that I sleep, the days are like a winding back road. So different.
Speaking of near perfect...
This weekend was sweet. Friday night, Josh took Kane to the park to play soccer and they went to visit my mother-in-law, who filled them with yummies, while I hung out with Parker and tackled some much needed domestic duties (YES, I actually enjoyed myself. My house likes me too.) We put the kids down, watched Fringe, and played Phase 10. I won. I never win. So it was a good start to the weekend for my hubby :o) Saturday we woke up early and I went grocery shopping for the week and managed to stick to the budget...wow. Josh got the lawn mowed and trimmed back the giant tree limbs sneaking between our fence planks. Kane had a soccer game around noon, which was just in time for the weather to approach AWESOME. We watched him fuss, get over his fuss, do a funny run with his elbows straight out, attempt to kick the ball but flip backwards mid-air, and whitness his coach acting like Air Bud. Hilarious. During nap time I delved head-over-heels into lesson plans (something I haven't done on a Saturday in months)...but football and cold ones made that kinda fun. Yep, that's right, I said FUN. Saturday night, when our Red Box movie flopped, we watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall for like the 7th time, and Josh invented "THE RAMEN", which is a sound you have to make while crushing the dry noodles into a bowl because otherwise they just won't cook right in the microwave. He also kicked my butt at Skip-Bo. Save for the Skip-Bo unmentionable, this was one of my favorite Saturdays...mostly because he's my best friend, and he makes me laugh like nobody else can, ...plus we have had to spend the majority of our years not together on Saturdays, so I like keeping him to myself and taking advantage of him all day long (oops did I say that outloud? Get out of the gutter). Sunday came and we flew out the door at like 8:50 for a 9 o'clock service...which was a service that made me cry because I saw somebody that changed my world for the better part of a year, make a good choice. We came home and I once again spent my free time with football, cold drinks, and lesson plans. Then we took the kids to the park to play soccer and football...again, such amazing weather. Finally, the sun set and we roasted marshmellows in the fire pit before a dinner of ribs that I slow-cooked all day. Now? Watching football again. I love weekends like this because they are slow but not-so-slow. I love weekends like this because they are predominantly spent at home with my family. I love weekends like this because they are not demanding and they are not filled with obligations...just things we want to do to keep rolling down winding back roads.
Speaking of near perfect...
This weekend was sweet. Friday night, Josh took Kane to the park to play soccer and they went to visit my mother-in-law, who filled them with yummies, while I hung out with Parker and tackled some much needed domestic duties (YES, I actually enjoyed myself. My house likes me too.) We put the kids down, watched Fringe, and played Phase 10. I won. I never win. So it was a good start to the weekend for my hubby :o) Saturday we woke up early and I went grocery shopping for the week and managed to stick to the budget...wow. Josh got the lawn mowed and trimmed back the giant tree limbs sneaking between our fence planks. Kane had a soccer game around noon, which was just in time for the weather to approach AWESOME. We watched him fuss, get over his fuss, do a funny run with his elbows straight out, attempt to kick the ball but flip backwards mid-air, and whitness his coach acting like Air Bud. Hilarious. During nap time I delved head-over-heels into lesson plans (something I haven't done on a Saturday in months)...but football and cold ones made that kinda fun. Yep, that's right, I said FUN. Saturday night, when our Red Box movie flopped, we watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall for like the 7th time, and Josh invented "THE RAMEN", which is a sound you have to make while crushing the dry noodles into a bowl because otherwise they just won't cook right in the microwave. He also kicked my butt at Skip-Bo. Save for the Skip-Bo unmentionable, this was one of my favorite Saturdays...mostly because he's my best friend, and he makes me laugh like nobody else can, ...plus we have had to spend the majority of our years not together on Saturdays, so I like keeping him to myself and taking advantage of him all day long (oops did I say that outloud? Get out of the gutter). Sunday came and we flew out the door at like 8:50 for a 9 o'clock service...which was a service that made me cry because I saw somebody that changed my world for the better part of a year, make a good choice. We came home and I once again spent my free time with football, cold drinks, and lesson plans. Then we took the kids to the park to play soccer and football...again, such amazing weather. Finally, the sun set and we roasted marshmellows in the fire pit before a dinner of ribs that I slow-cooked all day. Now? Watching football again. I love weekends like this because they are slow but not-so-slow. I love weekends like this because they are predominantly spent at home with my family. I love weekends like this because they are not demanding and they are not filled with obligations...just things we want to do to keep rolling down winding back roads.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
To be a man
I started a class tonight at the church we've been attending, the class is aptly named Mens Fraternity. Before you think it the answer is no we do not meet in the woods and beat drums, group hunt small animals or play drinking games. We also don't sit around complaining about our wifes, jobs, sports or kids. The class is for men and for helping us to define who we are suppose to be biblically. I'm not going to write a long explaination of my first meeting or try to put in words the emotions it evoked. I am going to say without knowing the answer myself that I challenge you to try to define a "man" while rejecting what the world has told us or our fathers. The fact that no one can give a compelling definition that makes men want to rise up to that meaning should teach you the necessity of the class.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Is this rational?
I would start off by saying that the average American right now has a healthy and founded fear of where our economy is, where is it headed and where it isn't headed. All that being said I still can not discern whether or not my fear is rational or not. You see I like most Americans have an addiction to "news". I try to diversify what I listen to, read or watch in order to maintain a balance between what would be considered mainstream and what is a secondary source so that I may also diversify the level of "concentrated topic" I recieve. Regardless of the venue it seems that more so then ever there is a large focus on not just our economy but the world economy and it's state of disarray. The problem is that here recently I've been more heavily burdened by these reports and what it means for my family. You see I grew up listening to grandparents who were children themselves during the Great Depression but I don't think any of us can truely understand what that era of American history was like to live through. You obviously can tell why I bring it up because from my perspective I can only see us heading in that same direction.
I look to signs and signals in the economy to help me make sure I stay ahead of the fall but it just looks to be degrading too far too fast. Like the years prior to the Depression America's debts have far outreached their income on both private and federal fronts. The "true" unemployment rate hovers between 20 and 25 percent almost matching exactly Depression era levels. America like other countries are looking to jobs and "wasteful spending" for the cuts necessary but we spend so much that cuts, well just won't cut it. So what do we do?
I wish I could say that unlike most American's I'm eliminating my debts, owing nothing on my house or cars so in the event I'm not able to pay for things I'll still have what I own in my possession but the reality is we're not entirely there. We're maybe three years into home ownership and while we did put money down we also did a 30 year mortgage and are no where near the point of owning our home "free and clear" and while we may very where have our cars paid off here soon, who's to say that economy wouldn't force one of us out of the job first.
I usually write from a place of experience, of having some knowing of what I'm discussing or even a "how-to" for a situation or task but I really don't know what to do myself in this place America has found itself in. In truth I've purchased more ammo and tried to be more proficient with a shot for hunting reasons only, and we've really tried to adhere to specific budgets in preperation for a time when we will have to be familar with the habit but also to try to save as much as possible now. I really don't know how rational I'm being in feeling so hopeless about the state of things but the fact that I am so weighed down has to lend credence to this mindset. I can only place my faith in God and pray to have him see us through this dark period, no matter how long it last.
I look to signs and signals in the economy to help me make sure I stay ahead of the fall but it just looks to be degrading too far too fast. Like the years prior to the Depression America's debts have far outreached their income on both private and federal fronts. The "true" unemployment rate hovers between 20 and 25 percent almost matching exactly Depression era levels. America like other countries are looking to jobs and "wasteful spending" for the cuts necessary but we spend so much that cuts, well just won't cut it. So what do we do?
I wish I could say that unlike most American's I'm eliminating my debts, owing nothing on my house or cars so in the event I'm not able to pay for things I'll still have what I own in my possession but the reality is we're not entirely there. We're maybe three years into home ownership and while we did put money down we also did a 30 year mortgage and are no where near the point of owning our home "free and clear" and while we may very where have our cars paid off here soon, who's to say that economy wouldn't force one of us out of the job first.
I usually write from a place of experience, of having some knowing of what I'm discussing or even a "how-to" for a situation or task but I really don't know what to do myself in this place America has found itself in. In truth I've purchased more ammo and tried to be more proficient with a shot for hunting reasons only, and we've really tried to adhere to specific budgets in preperation for a time when we will have to be familar with the habit but also to try to save as much as possible now. I really don't know how rational I'm being in feeling so hopeless about the state of things but the fact that I am so weighed down has to lend credence to this mindset. I can only place my faith in God and pray to have him see us through this dark period, no matter how long it last.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
The First 48 - An ADHD Tale
For those of you that don't already know, several weeks ago a councilor told me I had ADHD. He read off 25 classic symptons of ADHD from the DSM(Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) and of those 25 I exhibited 23 that I could recall without hesitation or prethought on the sympton. This previous Thursday I went to see a psychiatrist who prescibed to me Adderall a stimulant used in the treatment of ADHD. I was so excited to get it I tried Thursday night at Walgreens who was out, Friday morning at Walmart who didn't open until 9AM, Friday at lunch who was closed for lunch and finally Friday after work in the pouring rain and the following account of my weekend is why.
I am a new man starting Friday afternoon or rather I feel I am. I take the medicine as soon as I get home. It's my night to cook so the delay works in my favor. As it takes effect I am sitting at the table with my wife and son. I'm able to follow my wife's conversation and not look away. I'm not distracted by my three year old insisting on telling me some fact he wished to repeat over and over again. To give context to this miracle you must know that for the entirety of a life I can remember I've never been able to look anyone in the face for very long. To further illustrate this point my wife and I had a date two weeks back at Firebirds at a small table facing each other and I was so hurt that I could not stare directly at her for more then say 120 seconds dispite my best efforts. At some point I tell my wife how excited I am because it's been over four minutes and I've not had the urge to look around or check my phone or respond to my son once. I was able to engulf myself in her beautiful face and the words of her day. She cries, I wish I could say over joyed with my new ability but more overburdened by what must have felt to be a lifetime of inattentiveness and I can only guess what she assumed was just me not caring. My words are not affected by her feelings or suddle nuances of her face, I am coherent and clear in my word selection and say what I mean to say. I feel like a three year old who has just been able to speak like Robert Frost. She goes to put Parker to bed, I stay with Kane. I help him continue with his dinner by continually redirecting him back to his food. I'm not distracted by his singing or his unconscious ability to continually throw me off the task at hand. He responds well and eats everything off his plate with the exception of carrots and green beans but managed to eat half of a third pound turkey burger, 1/4 cup of backed beans and probably 6 grapes. In this instance the devil is in the details, the fact that I can remember this is remarkable. Previously I couldn't tell you the majority of what I did in a day and in an instant I was now mentally present in the world I was physically in and could recount the majority of it. I put my son to bed as my wife goes to work out even though she doesn't need to. I am amazed that I'm not frustrated by his need to give me lengthy explainations for any and everything and for the most part the night has gone off without incident, certainly a first time in a while. I read a book to him and am able to read visually the next line as I'm speaking the last, a talent I had not had before. Imagine how Peter Parker first felt when learning he could climb a wall, I wanted to read large books in a single night. I was excited to read a book, for any of you that know me this in itself should prove the significance of this event. I go into the room and begin to explain my new found state of mind to Shannon, she starts to cry again and I can only guess at that moment because she has missed this for so long and for so long it's steered our relationship. The constant bickering about not doing what I committed to, or forgetting what was said or not paying attention to important conversations. Once again I'm able to remain calm and not have what I'm saying affected by her emotional response, an attribute I've learned is key in most any interaction now. It's one thing to me empathetic, it's another to be symbiotic and almost controlled by someone else's feeling as if they are you own. In a winfall of emotion I sob uncontrollably. I think of my life's missed opportunity, the pain I've put family and friends through against my will, the cage of chaos I was trapped in. I break down recounting failed friendships and arguing matches with Shannon. I recall images of her frustration and specifically how her face looks when "I've done it again". We work through the emotion and I go out for beer, a movie and skittles for Shannon, they are her favorite, all three.
The next morning Shannon has to go grocery shopping while I take care of the kids. While she is gone I get the clothes folded and put away. I'm able to sand and paint parts of the walls that have been on my list of things to get done. I make my bed and put away clothes left out the night before. I clean out all the dishes in the drying rack. I take out the trash. I feed the kids and put Parker down for a nap. I wash down the counters. It's important to stop for a moment and tell you I wasn't responsible for anything I've done at this point except for maybe the paint and the kids because well they have to eat but they were task that needed to get done. I know some of you may scoff at this, may assume it's me trying to suck up to my wife or go above and beyond to prove that the reason I didn't do these things all along was the ADHD. In short it was, I wasn't able to look around the room and see the task that had to be completed only observe what was where it was. You'd have to be me to understand what that means. My wife comes home and doesn't say much but I don't expect a parade or trophy but she does thank me. I lament to her later how I felt, how good it felt to have done so much and not feel like I had to but rather that I wanted to because it needed to happen. She crys again, I'm not doing so hot this weekend am I? She tells me it's good to know she wasn't crazy, it wasn't unrealistic to expect these things and be frustrated by my lack of commitment and what felt like pulling all the weight. She soon regains composure and we go about our business. We take Kane to soccer, we stop and get him McDonalds after what turned out to be a wonder game he participated in. My wife runs to the tailor, when she returned I run up to Perrys and don't spend countless hours wandering around "shopping". I get what I need and come back. I start working on more things that need to get done because she is now napping. She wakes up and we talk more about the day and she goes off with a friend of ours to the movies. I get the kids up and ready, we play and hang out and I get them feed and dressed for my mothers. We drop the kids off and go on a "date" to Buffalo Wild Wings to watch UNC shut down ECU. It is a glorious time, I laugh and have fun with her, I enjoy her company, I listen to her day and her stories and I ask relavent questions in response. I interact with people around us and piss off two ECU alumni girls by asking for a high five after UNC scores it's second touch down. We wrap up the night, 12 wings and 2 servings of corn dogs later and go home for the night after picking up the kids.
Today I woke up and took on several more task after sleeping in a bit and then feeding the kids. I fix door knobs and dresser handles I haven't addressed in months and paint some more. I leave to help my mother in law and her husband move his mother into a retirement community. We make several trips, I remain calculated and still retain the ability to discern the best case scenario quickly but am able to focus and quickly move through the labor. I come home, more football, dinner, class at church and now home again.
Shannon and I talk about the class we just attended on contemporary Christian issues and as we're wrapping up I start a line with "I'm coming down from my medicine" she responds with a line that only reflects the emotions she's been accosted by over the years and the triggers she's aquired because of it. I recongize this as a highly charged situation and decide to write out what I was about to say. She goes to bed, sometimes it's best just to take a time out.
It's now 10:19. I haven't had much trouble in writing this at all. Occasionally I switch to my Google tab in my browser to search for the correct spelling of a word that doesn't look right on my screen. I haven't wandered to tommorow's events or Alt-Tabed back to google to check my mail or look up something that caught my train of thought. Apparently I'm not coming down from my medicine like I thought I was, I thought I only got four good hours but I'm thinking it's more like 6 plus. I guess I should write a disclaimer in now, I am not now Spider Man. I still am able to get distracted, and still can be forgetful about where I put my beer although now I remember "Oh I left it in the bathroom". My hand writing hasn't improved and as best I can tell neither has my writing. I'm not some super cleaner who can task without stopping or life getting in the way I'm just able to get back to what I was doing now without having forgot. I still make jokes nervously, rehearse conversations in my head and impulsively tell people "the truth" although I'll admit a bit more filtered now.
These next lines may ring cliche to a few of you but if you or someone you know is possibly battling similar symptons I urge you to consult a local psychiatrist or assist them. You aren't crazy, you aren't dumb or lazy, you just need help. In my spare time this weekend I had raced through the possibilities I felt were opened to me now, I've wanted to experience everything over again with my new found focus. I was once a disbeliever in this "fad" and just believed I was different but I see now that I needed help. If this weekend has been any indication as to how drastically my life can be changed for the better then I would even go so far as to beg anyone possibly suffering with this to get help, you deserve to unchain yourself from the restraints of ADHD or ADD. My experience may be different from yours and so will my symptons but hopefully not the outcome. Thanks for reading guys, I hope this helps someone and most of all thank you Shannon. You've put up with so much over the years, you've fought a battle with someone who didn't know he was in a war. You've sliped up and because you are human you've erred, but I love you for still being upstairs waiting for me to come to bed. As long as I can I will work against this and take medicine to help me release the husband, father and person I know I can be now.
I am a new man starting Friday afternoon or rather I feel I am. I take the medicine as soon as I get home. It's my night to cook so the delay works in my favor. As it takes effect I am sitting at the table with my wife and son. I'm able to follow my wife's conversation and not look away. I'm not distracted by my three year old insisting on telling me some fact he wished to repeat over and over again. To give context to this miracle you must know that for the entirety of a life I can remember I've never been able to look anyone in the face for very long. To further illustrate this point my wife and I had a date two weeks back at Firebirds at a small table facing each other and I was so hurt that I could not stare directly at her for more then say 120 seconds dispite my best efforts. At some point I tell my wife how excited I am because it's been over four minutes and I've not had the urge to look around or check my phone or respond to my son once. I was able to engulf myself in her beautiful face and the words of her day. She cries, I wish I could say over joyed with my new ability but more overburdened by what must have felt to be a lifetime of inattentiveness and I can only guess what she assumed was just me not caring. My words are not affected by her feelings or suddle nuances of her face, I am coherent and clear in my word selection and say what I mean to say. I feel like a three year old who has just been able to speak like Robert Frost. She goes to put Parker to bed, I stay with Kane. I help him continue with his dinner by continually redirecting him back to his food. I'm not distracted by his singing or his unconscious ability to continually throw me off the task at hand. He responds well and eats everything off his plate with the exception of carrots and green beans but managed to eat half of a third pound turkey burger, 1/4 cup of backed beans and probably 6 grapes. In this instance the devil is in the details, the fact that I can remember this is remarkable. Previously I couldn't tell you the majority of what I did in a day and in an instant I was now mentally present in the world I was physically in and could recount the majority of it. I put my son to bed as my wife goes to work out even though she doesn't need to. I am amazed that I'm not frustrated by his need to give me lengthy explainations for any and everything and for the most part the night has gone off without incident, certainly a first time in a while. I read a book to him and am able to read visually the next line as I'm speaking the last, a talent I had not had before. Imagine how Peter Parker first felt when learning he could climb a wall, I wanted to read large books in a single night. I was excited to read a book, for any of you that know me this in itself should prove the significance of this event. I go into the room and begin to explain my new found state of mind to Shannon, she starts to cry again and I can only guess at that moment because she has missed this for so long and for so long it's steered our relationship. The constant bickering about not doing what I committed to, or forgetting what was said or not paying attention to important conversations. Once again I'm able to remain calm and not have what I'm saying affected by her emotional response, an attribute I've learned is key in most any interaction now. It's one thing to me empathetic, it's another to be symbiotic and almost controlled by someone else's feeling as if they are you own. In a winfall of emotion I sob uncontrollably. I think of my life's missed opportunity, the pain I've put family and friends through against my will, the cage of chaos I was trapped in. I break down recounting failed friendships and arguing matches with Shannon. I recall images of her frustration and specifically how her face looks when "I've done it again". We work through the emotion and I go out for beer, a movie and skittles for Shannon, they are her favorite, all three.
The next morning Shannon has to go grocery shopping while I take care of the kids. While she is gone I get the clothes folded and put away. I'm able to sand and paint parts of the walls that have been on my list of things to get done. I make my bed and put away clothes left out the night before. I clean out all the dishes in the drying rack. I take out the trash. I feed the kids and put Parker down for a nap. I wash down the counters. It's important to stop for a moment and tell you I wasn't responsible for anything I've done at this point except for maybe the paint and the kids because well they have to eat but they were task that needed to get done. I know some of you may scoff at this, may assume it's me trying to suck up to my wife or go above and beyond to prove that the reason I didn't do these things all along was the ADHD. In short it was, I wasn't able to look around the room and see the task that had to be completed only observe what was where it was. You'd have to be me to understand what that means. My wife comes home and doesn't say much but I don't expect a parade or trophy but she does thank me. I lament to her later how I felt, how good it felt to have done so much and not feel like I had to but rather that I wanted to because it needed to happen. She crys again, I'm not doing so hot this weekend am I? She tells me it's good to know she wasn't crazy, it wasn't unrealistic to expect these things and be frustrated by my lack of commitment and what felt like pulling all the weight. She soon regains composure and we go about our business. We take Kane to soccer, we stop and get him McDonalds after what turned out to be a wonder game he participated in. My wife runs to the tailor, when she returned I run up to Perrys and don't spend countless hours wandering around "shopping". I get what I need and come back. I start working on more things that need to get done because she is now napping. She wakes up and we talk more about the day and she goes off with a friend of ours to the movies. I get the kids up and ready, we play and hang out and I get them feed and dressed for my mothers. We drop the kids off and go on a "date" to Buffalo Wild Wings to watch UNC shut down ECU. It is a glorious time, I laugh and have fun with her, I enjoy her company, I listen to her day and her stories and I ask relavent questions in response. I interact with people around us and piss off two ECU alumni girls by asking for a high five after UNC scores it's second touch down. We wrap up the night, 12 wings and 2 servings of corn dogs later and go home for the night after picking up the kids.
Today I woke up and took on several more task after sleeping in a bit and then feeding the kids. I fix door knobs and dresser handles I haven't addressed in months and paint some more. I leave to help my mother in law and her husband move his mother into a retirement community. We make several trips, I remain calculated and still retain the ability to discern the best case scenario quickly but am able to focus and quickly move through the labor. I come home, more football, dinner, class at church and now home again.
Shannon and I talk about the class we just attended on contemporary Christian issues and as we're wrapping up I start a line with "I'm coming down from my medicine" she responds with a line that only reflects the emotions she's been accosted by over the years and the triggers she's aquired because of it. I recongize this as a highly charged situation and decide to write out what I was about to say. She goes to bed, sometimes it's best just to take a time out.
It's now 10:19. I haven't had much trouble in writing this at all. Occasionally I switch to my Google tab in my browser to search for the correct spelling of a word that doesn't look right on my screen. I haven't wandered to tommorow's events or Alt-Tabed back to google to check my mail or look up something that caught my train of thought. Apparently I'm not coming down from my medicine like I thought I was, I thought I only got four good hours but I'm thinking it's more like 6 plus. I guess I should write a disclaimer in now, I am not now Spider Man. I still am able to get distracted, and still can be forgetful about where I put my beer although now I remember "Oh I left it in the bathroom". My hand writing hasn't improved and as best I can tell neither has my writing. I'm not some super cleaner who can task without stopping or life getting in the way I'm just able to get back to what I was doing now without having forgot. I still make jokes nervously, rehearse conversations in my head and impulsively tell people "the truth" although I'll admit a bit more filtered now.
These next lines may ring cliche to a few of you but if you or someone you know is possibly battling similar symptons I urge you to consult a local psychiatrist or assist them. You aren't crazy, you aren't dumb or lazy, you just need help. In my spare time this weekend I had raced through the possibilities I felt were opened to me now, I've wanted to experience everything over again with my new found focus. I was once a disbeliever in this "fad" and just believed I was different but I see now that I needed help. If this weekend has been any indication as to how drastically my life can be changed for the better then I would even go so far as to beg anyone possibly suffering with this to get help, you deserve to unchain yourself from the restraints of ADHD or ADD. My experience may be different from yours and so will my symptons but hopefully not the outcome. Thanks for reading guys, I hope this helps someone and most of all thank you Shannon. You've put up with so much over the years, you've fought a battle with someone who didn't know he was in a war. You've sliped up and because you are human you've erred, but I love you for still being upstairs waiting for me to come to bed. As long as I can I will work against this and take medicine to help me release the husband, father and person I know I can be now.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
What I Really Think.
...that ECU will kick UNC tooshy this weekend...
...that there is a beer theif living in my refridgerator...
...that Greg Fishel is shrinking...
...that stickers make a 3 year old boy eat, sleep, and obey...
...that stickers make a 9 month old boy sticky...
...that stickers make a 27 year old boy feel happy and successful...
...that there is a beer theif living in my refridgerator...
...that Greg Fishel is shrinking...
...that stickers make a 3 year old boy eat, sleep, and obey...
...that stickers make a 9 month old boy sticky...
...that stickers make a 27 year old boy feel happy and successful...
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Politico
I was sitting at my desk when a little IM popped up from the guy on the side of the office from me, it was a WRAL article on their website about a "joke" Gov. Perdue had made at a Cary Rotory club meeting. Her joke was a personal opinion that we should suspend upcoming congressional elections to allow politicions to focus on the job at hand. Below is the quote;
"I think we ought to suspend, perhaps, elections for Congress for two years and just tell them we won't hold it against them, whatever decisions they make, to just let them help this country recover,"
I'm left with one of two thoughts, either one she is the worst comedian in the world or two she represents one of the worst ideas we've heard recently in political history or is it? I present exhibit B a quote from President Obama at the Congressional Hispanic Caucus;
"There are times where -- until Nancy Pelosi is speaker again -- I'd like to work my way around Congress."
In case you aren't aware these ideas represent an anti-democratic society. In developing democratic countries when elected officials become worried that the next election will give them the boot they start using phrases like "suspend elections indefinately". This is a polite way of saying, not allow you to get my ass out of office. What you don't find on WRAL.com is that the very next line from Perdue is "I really hope that someone can agree with me on that." That's not indicative of a joke at all, it's a ralley cry to get people behind the idea of not voting out congressional officials from office. Asked yourself this, how is this in anyway an acceptable idea when this is the same government that in March of 09' supported GM's "taskforce" ousting of then GM CEO Rick Wagoner and most of the board because of their poor management of GM to the point of nearly going under.
So here we are over two years later, the tea party has released simple math showing the American public that the government is spending nearly twice as much yearly as it takes in and has debt equivalent to to almost seven times our yearly revenue and yet instead of someone recommending we replace all the politicians now we have people recommending taking that power away from the people. The idea that this would be done for the greater good of the country hints at facism and should wake you up. I'm not an zealout when it comes to politics, in general I think partisianship is meant to keep us divided and fighting each other instead of seeing how poor either side runs thing but the idea of taking away our ability to determine who is in office in the first place is terrifying at best.
On top of Perdue's call for political protection for our Congress our President wants the ability to move around them without interferance. Wouldn't that be great, a leader without accountability to anyone and the ability to do whatever he like. It'd be awesome, like a dictatorship. That's exactly what we need right now. Our fiat money is becoming even more worthless, our local politicians want to make sure they'll never be ousted like common sense and our President wants to be the next Fidel.
Good luck out there people, we're going to need it.
"I think we ought to suspend, perhaps, elections for Congress for two years and just tell them we won't hold it against them, whatever decisions they make, to just let them help this country recover,"
I'm left with one of two thoughts, either one she is the worst comedian in the world or two she represents one of the worst ideas we've heard recently in political history or is it? I present exhibit B a quote from President Obama at the Congressional Hispanic Caucus;
"There are times where -- until Nancy Pelosi is speaker again -- I'd like to work my way around Congress."
In case you aren't aware these ideas represent an anti-democratic society. In developing democratic countries when elected officials become worried that the next election will give them the boot they start using phrases like "suspend elections indefinately". This is a polite way of saying, not allow you to get my ass out of office. What you don't find on WRAL.com is that the very next line from Perdue is "I really hope that someone can agree with me on that." That's not indicative of a joke at all, it's a ralley cry to get people behind the idea of not voting out congressional officials from office. Asked yourself this, how is this in anyway an acceptable idea when this is the same government that in March of 09' supported GM's "taskforce" ousting of then GM CEO Rick Wagoner and most of the board because of their poor management of GM to the point of nearly going under.
So here we are over two years later, the tea party has released simple math showing the American public that the government is spending nearly twice as much yearly as it takes in and has debt equivalent to to almost seven times our yearly revenue and yet instead of someone recommending we replace all the politicians now we have people recommending taking that power away from the people. The idea that this would be done for the greater good of the country hints at facism and should wake you up. I'm not an zealout when it comes to politics, in general I think partisianship is meant to keep us divided and fighting each other instead of seeing how poor either side runs thing but the idea of taking away our ability to determine who is in office in the first place is terrifying at best.
On top of Perdue's call for political protection for our Congress our President wants the ability to move around them without interferance. Wouldn't that be great, a leader without accountability to anyone and the ability to do whatever he like. It'd be awesome, like a dictatorship. That's exactly what we need right now. Our fiat money is becoming even more worthless, our local politicians want to make sure they'll never be ousted like common sense and our President wants to be the next Fidel.
Good luck out there people, we're going to need it.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Dear Sleep...Where Are You?!?
You know there's a problem when you stay up from 8pm to 3:45am reading (and completing) The Hunger Games, feel exhausted the entire next day and evening...pass out for 2.5 hours with company in your home, and then cannot return to slumber when your hubby turns the TV on and falls asleep next to you. UGH.
...I had a moment of pure giggles when I noticed that not so many hours ago, I had one boy kissing my lips, one boy kissing my forehead, one boy kissing my cheek, and 2 boys sniffing and licking my hands. So even though, once again, I am sleepless (and so ready for someone to finally get some decent meds into my system), all I can think about is how completely funny that sounds when spoken from a mostly normal woman.
...I had a moment of pure giggles when I noticed that not so many hours ago, I had one boy kissing my lips, one boy kissing my forehead, one boy kissing my cheek, and 2 boys sniffing and licking my hands. So even though, once again, I am sleepless (and so ready for someone to finally get some decent meds into my system), all I can think about is how completely funny that sounds when spoken from a mostly normal woman.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
On Accents, Uniforms, and Good Music
I dig them. It's midnight and Hugh Laurie is singing Baby, Please Make a Change (which I adore) from his New Orleans blues album, Let Them Talk.
(:::::Sidebar:::: I just heard Kelly Clarkson's Mr. Know It All on Leno...WOW. Love it.)
Before this, I watched an episode of MacGyver in one of his master of disguise episodes...and hours prior to that, Josh came home and put on his new camo in preparation for this year's hunting season and MY very own private fashion show. mmmmHmmm. Yum to both the hunter and the hunted.
Now if he could only sustain a British accent, have salt and pepper hair, make something stop exploding with a chocolate bar, and be a brutally honest maverick physician that specializes in infectious diseases... Hmmm. There is something terribly wrong with me, but it could be the fact that it is now almost 1am and I am still not sleeping.
So...Tangent Time.
I heard a sermon recently that I appreciated. The discussion revolved around Primary, Secondary, and Tertiary issues of faith. On tertiary issues, piercings and tattoos have a place. So the teaching is that there is no explicit scriptural evidence of support or discouragement for tats. However, in Leviticus 19, it does mention that the good Lord does not want people defiling their bodies with pagan markings. So in short, this is a grey issue but the Bible does mention tats and it isn't exactly positive. The pastor put it this way, unless the tat glorifies God, and there are few that do, don't do it. He said that even a cross tat would most likely not lead people to Jesus unless of course you were living in a pagan community. Until that moment my tats have been mostly silent...they are quiet testimonies. I guess I can't keep them quiet anymore.
There's a cross on my rib, and the boys' names underneath. There is one on my wrist that reads, "Integrity." So here's a piece of my story, and maybe it will be food for thought.
When I was 14, my maternal grandmother passed away. She fought breast cancer for years, and it later moved to her colon. She died at 64. She's the only person that ever showed me what faith looked like. I mean, I saw faith when I saw her...I could smell faith, touch faith, laugh with it, cry with it, hold it...IT was her. I know that no person can be perfect, and she would admit she was far from it, but to me, she was "walking faith". I wasn't supposed to watch her pass away from one world to the next, but I did. I was not supposed to be in the room when she died, but I was. I heard her breathe her last breath, I heard God steal her from us way too soon. I watched EMS take her out of the house through the living room where we sat. To make a long story shorter, my paternal grandmother died from esophageal cancer the following December. My maternal great grandfather died a few weeks later in January. Then my maternal grandfather died in his sleep. My maternal great grandmother died a few months later. So they all died and I was a teenager. Naturally, I hated God. My friend and pastor told me I must be the biggest believer he knew because I hated God that much. It seems you can't hate somebody you don't believe in. For a few years I lived and breathed, but I'm not sure who was around me. And then, one night... I dreamed. I was in my grandparents house and it was the day my grandma died. My family was there, but I had this feeling that someone was missing. It occurred to me, in the dream, that it was her. She was missing, but everyone was so happy. Suddenly she appeared, beautiful, elegant, and angelic. She was going from family member to family member, sitting next to them, hugging them, talking quietly to them. When it was my turn, she sat down next to me on her favorite spot on the couch, and I could smell her again. I could feel her hair, and touch her skin. She was so real that when she hugged me, it was one of her hard hugs that left my arms squished into my body and hurting. She whispered, "Keep your integrity." That was it. She smiled at me, and stood up. I woke up all too quickly, crying, but content. It was a terrified peace. She never came to me again and I've forgotten her smell. I started going back to church the next day. Maybe my grandmother knew my convictions, or knew what my battles would be. I can't help but think that she was warning me, and trying to protect me. I wish I had listened. But I haven't. So a few months ago I had that word put permanently on my wrist as a reminder of her, of what "walking faith" felt like when I thought it left my world and put me in complete darkness, of that moment when I knew I had to give my life back to God (the good parts and the bad parts), and of what I know I am not, and what I know I can be...
(:::::Sidebar:::: I just heard Kelly Clarkson's Mr. Know It All on Leno...WOW. Love it.)
Before this, I watched an episode of MacGyver in one of his master of disguise episodes...and hours prior to that, Josh came home and put on his new camo in preparation for this year's hunting season and MY very own private fashion show. mmmmHmmm. Yum to both the hunter and the hunted.
Now if he could only sustain a British accent, have salt and pepper hair, make something stop exploding with a chocolate bar, and be a brutally honest maverick physician that specializes in infectious diseases... Hmmm. There is something terribly wrong with me, but it could be the fact that it is now almost 1am and I am still not sleeping.
So...Tangent Time.
I heard a sermon recently that I appreciated. The discussion revolved around Primary, Secondary, and Tertiary issues of faith. On tertiary issues, piercings and tattoos have a place. So the teaching is that there is no explicit scriptural evidence of support or discouragement for tats. However, in Leviticus 19, it does mention that the good Lord does not want people defiling their bodies with pagan markings. So in short, this is a grey issue but the Bible does mention tats and it isn't exactly positive. The pastor put it this way, unless the tat glorifies God, and there are few that do, don't do it. He said that even a cross tat would most likely not lead people to Jesus unless of course you were living in a pagan community. Until that moment my tats have been mostly silent...they are quiet testimonies. I guess I can't keep them quiet anymore.
There's a cross on my rib, and the boys' names underneath. There is one on my wrist that reads, "Integrity." So here's a piece of my story, and maybe it will be food for thought.
When I was 14, my maternal grandmother passed away. She fought breast cancer for years, and it later moved to her colon. She died at 64. She's the only person that ever showed me what faith looked like. I mean, I saw faith when I saw her...I could smell faith, touch faith, laugh with it, cry with it, hold it...IT was her. I know that no person can be perfect, and she would admit she was far from it, but to me, she was "walking faith". I wasn't supposed to watch her pass away from one world to the next, but I did. I was not supposed to be in the room when she died, but I was. I heard her breathe her last breath, I heard God steal her from us way too soon. I watched EMS take her out of the house through the living room where we sat. To make a long story shorter, my paternal grandmother died from esophageal cancer the following December. My maternal great grandfather died a few weeks later in January. Then my maternal grandfather died in his sleep. My maternal great grandmother died a few months later. So they all died and I was a teenager. Naturally, I hated God. My friend and pastor told me I must be the biggest believer he knew because I hated God that much. It seems you can't hate somebody you don't believe in. For a few years I lived and breathed, but I'm not sure who was around me. And then, one night... I dreamed. I was in my grandparents house and it was the day my grandma died. My family was there, but I had this feeling that someone was missing. It occurred to me, in the dream, that it was her. She was missing, but everyone was so happy. Suddenly she appeared, beautiful, elegant, and angelic. She was going from family member to family member, sitting next to them, hugging them, talking quietly to them. When it was my turn, she sat down next to me on her favorite spot on the couch, and I could smell her again. I could feel her hair, and touch her skin. She was so real that when she hugged me, it was one of her hard hugs that left my arms squished into my body and hurting. She whispered, "Keep your integrity." That was it. She smiled at me, and stood up. I woke up all too quickly, crying, but content. It was a terrified peace. She never came to me again and I've forgotten her smell. I started going back to church the next day. Maybe my grandmother knew my convictions, or knew what my battles would be. I can't help but think that she was warning me, and trying to protect me. I wish I had listened. But I haven't. So a few months ago I had that word put permanently on my wrist as a reminder of her, of what "walking faith" felt like when I thought it left my world and put me in complete darkness, of that moment when I knew I had to give my life back to God (the good parts and the bad parts), and of what I know I am not, and what I know I can be...
Sunday, September 11, 2011
So I just now realized that someone defriended me on FB. Here's the thing... I just found out. So obviously I didn't care about the person enough to notice until now. But I am seriously confused about why. Mostly because anybody that has a facebook account, unless they are monitored by their parents and under 18, has atleast one person on there profile that is not actually their "friend". I mean let's be real. I just looked at my account and I have 314 "friends". NOT. I'm sorry if this will make people defriend me, but not all 314 people can actually be considered a friend. Some are,...and some are family, but mostly they are people I kinda know, have known in the past, or know pretty well. And all of them are my "FB friends" because I'm interested in their lives and what they've made of it. So for someone to defriend me, it's like saying, "Hey, I really considered you a friend...now I don't. I could care less about you and your family, or what happens to you from now on." I don't think I've ever thought about anyone that way in my entire life.... Even the people that aren't my "FB friends." So I couldn't help but laugh at first, because really, who cares enough to defriend someone on FB (or has the time to be that petty), but after that... I have to admit... it did kinda hurt. And now I'm sitting here thinking...."I still don't even know what I did!!!" And even that seems a bit funny. Because if I don't even know what I did, and I didn't even notice I was defriended...then did I really care about this person in the first place??? Yes. Yes I did. But apparently not enough to consider them anything more than a FB friend :o) So maybe I've lost nothing. I don't know. Maybe Facebook will tell me. It seems to regulate my interpersonal relationships more than I ever expected it to....
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Work
This academic year has started. The kids come on Thursday. I'm excited...mostly because I can't hear the mouse anymore, so I'm guessing he moved to the teachers' room next door. Shhh. Don't tell. I hear peanut butter works magic though. Speaking of unwanted animals, Josh was mowing today and found a 4ft long black snake hiding behind our trashcan. So what does he do? He spreads moth balls all around our house. Great. Now when you come to visit me, it will smell like an elderly man's sweater closet.
I'm also excited because with the start of school, football season begins. This is one of the things I love. So we're looking forward to sitting on the couch, watching college ball...and the Panthers on Sundays (since we cut cable...), drinking a cold one, the smells of falling leaves, cool air, and all sorts of pies and spices coming from my kitchen. YUM.
I'm also excited because with the start of school, football season begins. This is one of the things I love. So we're looking forward to sitting on the couch, watching college ball...and the Panthers on Sundays (since we cut cable...), drinking a cold one, the smells of falling leaves, cool air, and all sorts of pies and spices coming from my kitchen. YUM.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Diversity
I read a story the other day that the newly formed debt committee doesn't represent the minority well enough and isn't diverse enough. I don't know the specifics of how many people are on the committee or their partisan affiliation but I know that there is one woman, one African American, and one Latino. Why do I know those specifics? I know them because the media makes it an issue or rather the writers and editors on foxnews.com choose to make sure I was aware of those statistics.
That brings me to my point, labeling an issue or situation as non-diverse is the politically correct way of calling is racist. However, labeling it as non-diverse makes it a race related issue. We choose to create racial tension by constantly focusing on race as a central issue in any given situation but in reality it usually isn't a problem much less the problem. We don't however when it isn't beneficial to our movement. For instance I've never meet a hunter that wanted to mix duck populations in the name of diversity because it just wasn't fair. I've never meet one that said White Tail Deer and Mule Deer should be moved from one area to another to diversify the population because them being isolated and segregated just isn't fair. I hear your argument already, they're animals and there is no need so I'll give you another example. Have you ever had a child ask you to move them to a move diverse class? No you haven't because it isn't an issue to children it's as issue we create as adults.
You can go to www.wral.com and view mugshots of recently arrested individuals in our county, I looked at the first 100 arrest today and 61 were African American males. Should we ask officers to be more diverse in their arrest? Should we ask them to move to a quota system that mirrors the community? 5 percent Asian American women, 3 percent Asian American males, 17 percent of this and 25 percent of that?
I then watched an episode of cops where the individual being arrested said it was because cops with honky redneck racist, was it that or was it the crack rock he had on him marijuana or loaded gun he wasn't licensed for?
My point in this is race is not an issue until we choose to use it to detract from the reality of the situation. Unless someone is blatant in their intention to be racist to assume something is racist is to be just that.
That brings me to my point, labeling an issue or situation as non-diverse is the politically correct way of calling is racist. However, labeling it as non-diverse makes it a race related issue. We choose to create racial tension by constantly focusing on race as a central issue in any given situation but in reality it usually isn't a problem much less the problem. We don't however when it isn't beneficial to our movement. For instance I've never meet a hunter that wanted to mix duck populations in the name of diversity because it just wasn't fair. I've never meet one that said White Tail Deer and Mule Deer should be moved from one area to another to diversify the population because them being isolated and segregated just isn't fair. I hear your argument already, they're animals and there is no need so I'll give you another example. Have you ever had a child ask you to move them to a move diverse class? No you haven't because it isn't an issue to children it's as issue we create as adults.
You can go to www.wral.com and view mugshots of recently arrested individuals in our county, I looked at the first 100 arrest today and 61 were African American males. Should we ask officers to be more diverse in their arrest? Should we ask them to move to a quota system that mirrors the community? 5 percent Asian American women, 3 percent Asian American males, 17 percent of this and 25 percent of that?
I then watched an episode of cops where the individual being arrested said it was because cops with honky redneck racist, was it that or was it the crack rock he had on him marijuana or loaded gun he wasn't licensed for?
My point in this is race is not an issue until we choose to use it to detract from the reality of the situation. Unless someone is blatant in their intention to be racist to assume something is racist is to be just that.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Good Day
Kane finally had a good day at school today. No time outs. 3 Stars..and candy. And no HITTING the teacher...!
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Poop
So on my way home from school, Josh calls. We decide kane needs more Pull-Ups. So I stop at FoodLion to pick them up. Only when I open the door to get Parker out, he has poop coming out of his pants. It's already all over his leg and the carseat, so I say, screw FoodLion, I'm going home and changing this baby. Guess what? By the time I get home, the poop is all over his face, his hands, up his nose, in his ears, on his eyes, ALL OVER his clothes, the car seat, and yes... in his mouth. I have never in my whole life experienced such horror.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Disappointment
Today I came to a house without lemonade and without Firefly Sweet Tea Bourbon. - Josh
Well...
Today I am THE groupie for Firefly Sweet Tea Bourbon with lemonaid. BTW...Still can't find the dang mouse in my classroom. I know he's in there...watching me...
Monday, August 8, 2011
Freddie Maye, Fannie Mac, Bulls, Bears Oh My!
It's Josh now, we're alternating who writes to this and I'm not quite sure how to change the "author" so anyway here I go. I started the day with very little insight into the market activity of Friday, I consider myself fairly business/finance knowledgeable but I was in the dark. As I always do I opened up foxnews.com when I came into the office and read over the headlines, it didn't look good. I read about the credit downgrade for America, the anticipated "sell off" that was to begin at market open and the general panic that seemed to ooze from most of the articles I skimmed. I found that depending on how I wanted to feel I could find articles that alleviated my fears citing the ebb and flow of the market, articles that maximized my uncertainty and made me want to dump all my savings into silver and even articles that made me think there was a man in China angry at me having taken out a home loan four years ago. Then it happened, the market opened and the Dow Jones price dropped, 100 points, 200 points, 225 points... it was slowing but we weren't out of the woods. By 10AM I had eaten both my lunch sandwich and snack apple, my nerves had gotten the best of me I guess. By 12PM I had nearly forgotten about the market, I was doing my job but then the spare minute crept up on me. Three hundred points had been lost, 350, 378, 412....I started researching Friday's performance. How much did we loose Friday? Did they anticipate this? Friday was part of the top ten largest point drops in the history of the Dow Jones, where would today be. I became consumed by the dropping numbers, like watching you favorite team loose the game from the blow of the first whistle, you don't know the final score but you know you'll lose. I read about the Weimar Republic's hyperinflation in 1922 and 23, I read about silver prices and the best way to buy it, I read about the credit downgrade of America and what it meant to the US family. Where were we going? what was I going to do? I watched the price drop and rise, drop and rise comparing it to historical figures until finally I watched the final countdown of the market closing as if it was New Years Eve all over again. I was obsessed and as I called people who could care less to tell them what I'd witnesses I realized it doesn't matter to me. Yes in the global scheme of things it does, yes my interest rates and 401k will be affected, yes my clients will spend less but my little boy wasn't any less excited about his first day of school. My wife wasn't any less rested from her nap and my youngest boy wasn't any less interested in me holding him or eating when he wants to and sleeping when he wants to. Some may cringe at the saying "ignorance is bliss" but it is true, I pushed my son on his playground swing today and enjoyed the fresh air in our back yard and thought with God watching over me, my family surrounding me and a gun to fill my freezer(but maybe not aim to do the same) I'll be fine. For that I thank you big Guy.
Boundaries
So Josh and I are reading Cloud & Townsend's Boundaries. It's a small group study on living your life more fully and displaying truth and love more freely based on Biblical principals. We are the small group, but our discussions are marital based.
Tonight's Q & A
1. Think of a time when you stuck by one of your boundaries and people respected it. Why were you able to maintain your boundary?
...So there aren't many things that make me maintain my boundaries, sad, I know, because I guess I'm weak in that respect. But I remember this one time, I had a friend that I went on several mission trips with overseas and she had started secretly dating another member of her campus ministry group. At the time, I was in grad school and in order to participate in mission trips, I was a designated Adult Leader. So I'm walking with my friend in a park in New Orleans and she tells me she's been seeing this guy. She asks me not to tell. Later in the week another member of our group asks me what's up with this girl and this guy. I tell her ..."You'll have to ask her about that I guess." And the person says, "Oh! So you do know something!" And to that I say, "Yes...but I can't say anything, it's not my place." So the person says, "But just tell me, it's no big deal, I won't tell." So I say, "But I wouldn't be a very good friend if I did that." And the person says, "Yea. That's true." ...
Boundaries! So I was able to maintain my boundaries with this person because I didn't care how they felt, one way or the other, about my not telling them what I knew. And also because it suited my place as an "Adult Advisor"... and not a friend to the members of the mission group. It occurs to me that this is the problem I have. I let my emotions rule my boundaries. So when people do things I don't like, or I know is wrong, I don't always say anything because I care too much about hurting their feelings or embarrassing them...because I know those feelings suck...and when I know someone is happy because of me, or they feel good about talking to me, it makes me feel good. But it could also make me a chump and set me up for false relationships. Especially when I hold honesty in for too long and finally get so pissed at the littlest thing that I just blow up and say screw it, I'm done with you.
Which brings me to Q2. What will you do to strengthen your boundary-keeping ability? Someone once told me that their real friends would be their friends no matter what, and nobody else matters. To not worry about a reputation, that family would love you regardless, and basically... that fighting honesty is exhausting. That's what I need to remember. But I will say this...in the mean time I need to learn tact. Because if I'm going to be THAT kind of honest, I need to do it with grace since it could be the difference between the end of a relationship or the beginning of a great one.
Tonight's Q & A
1. Think of a time when you stuck by one of your boundaries and people respected it. Why were you able to maintain your boundary?
...So there aren't many things that make me maintain my boundaries, sad, I know, because I guess I'm weak in that respect. But I remember this one time, I had a friend that I went on several mission trips with overseas and she had started secretly dating another member of her campus ministry group. At the time, I was in grad school and in order to participate in mission trips, I was a designated Adult Leader. So I'm walking with my friend in a park in New Orleans and she tells me she's been seeing this guy. She asks me not to tell. Later in the week another member of our group asks me what's up with this girl and this guy. I tell her ..."You'll have to ask her about that I guess." And the person says, "Oh! So you do know something!" And to that I say, "Yes...but I can't say anything, it's not my place." So the person says, "But just tell me, it's no big deal, I won't tell." So I say, "But I wouldn't be a very good friend if I did that." And the person says, "Yea. That's true." ...
Boundaries! So I was able to maintain my boundaries with this person because I didn't care how they felt, one way or the other, about my not telling them what I knew. And also because it suited my place as an "Adult Advisor"... and not a friend to the members of the mission group. It occurs to me that this is the problem I have. I let my emotions rule my boundaries. So when people do things I don't like, or I know is wrong, I don't always say anything because I care too much about hurting their feelings or embarrassing them...because I know those feelings suck...and when I know someone is happy because of me, or they feel good about talking to me, it makes me feel good. But it could also make me a chump and set me up for false relationships. Especially when I hold honesty in for too long and finally get so pissed at the littlest thing that I just blow up and say screw it, I'm done with you.
Which brings me to Q2. What will you do to strengthen your boundary-keeping ability? Someone once told me that their real friends would be their friends no matter what, and nobody else matters. To not worry about a reputation, that family would love you regardless, and basically... that fighting honesty is exhausting. That's what I need to remember. But I will say this...in the mean time I need to learn tact. Because if I'm going to be THAT kind of honest, I need to do it with grace since it could be the difference between the end of a relationship or the beginning of a great one.
Pre-School
Kane came barrelling downstairs this morning, leaped into my arms and said, "Hey Mom!" Just like that. Then he says, "Can I have some Oatmeal?" and I say, "Yep. And I'll make you some chocolate milk too." And Kane says, "Oh Thanks! You're the best mommy!"
wow. So amazing because about a year ago he was hardly talking at all. It gets better. At noon, I pick him up from school and he doesn't want to leave. He's singing and bouncing all over the place, happy as can be. And all I can think about is, "Wow, he didn't have an accident!...and oh my gosh, I'm so glad he's finally getting dressed all by himself. (Well save for the shirt thing...)"
Meanwhile, I spend the entire morning in my classroom, trying to get ready for a new group of kids. I feel like teacher workdays should start two weeks in advance but the first week should be a NO Meetings week. We have 3 new teachers on our team this year. OH boy. The joys of working for wcpss begin. Looking forward to the mountains of paperwork. You know what I did? I even got rid of my desk and will be using a whole TABLE instead. So I can spread out more....cuz I need THAT much space. Hah. Oh, and BTW. Dear Mr. Mouse that is living somewhere in my room....GET OUT!!!!!
Ok. Back to reality. I called Josh around 12:30 to tell him I was taking a nap. He was like, "I can't believe you called me to tell me you were taking a nap." Guess I didn't really think that one through :o) Well. I'm awake now baby!!! I'm going to let our dog inside now, because he's throwing his body agains the glass door...again, and again, and again...
wow. So amazing because about a year ago he was hardly talking at all. It gets better. At noon, I pick him up from school and he doesn't want to leave. He's singing and bouncing all over the place, happy as can be. And all I can think about is, "Wow, he didn't have an accident!...and oh my gosh, I'm so glad he's finally getting dressed all by himself. (Well save for the shirt thing...)"
Meanwhile, I spend the entire morning in my classroom, trying to get ready for a new group of kids. I feel like teacher workdays should start two weeks in advance but the first week should be a NO Meetings week. We have 3 new teachers on our team this year. OH boy. The joys of working for wcpss begin. Looking forward to the mountains of paperwork. You know what I did? I even got rid of my desk and will be using a whole TABLE instead. So I can spread out more....cuz I need THAT much space. Hah. Oh, and BTW. Dear Mr. Mouse that is living somewhere in my room....GET OUT!!!!!
Ok. Back to reality. I called Josh around 12:30 to tell him I was taking a nap. He was like, "I can't believe you called me to tell me you were taking a nap." Guess I didn't really think that one through :o) Well. I'm awake now baby!!! I'm going to let our dog inside now, because he's throwing his body agains the glass door...again, and again, and again...
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Tomorrow
My baby is going to school! - Shannon
My little monster is going to school! - Josh
BlahhhaHAHAHahhhhgaharaaaagadada! - Parker
I'm not sure...but. What you say? ARRRGH, Kitty Cat. - Kane
I thought they had to be 4 to start school.. - EVERYBODY
My little monster is going to school! - Josh
BlahhhaHAHAHahhhhgaharaaaagadada! - Parker
I'm not sure...but. What you say? ARRRGH, Kitty Cat. - Kane
I thought they had to be 4 to start school.. - EVERYBODY
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)