Oh my.  I went in for a regular check up on Monday morning.  I had been measuring small for the last 3 months, and the good doctor wanted to do a second sonogram to check the baby's growth.  My belly was measuring at 31 weeks...I was 37 weeks.  At the office she decided she wanted a second opinion from the Women's Specialty Center in the birthing center.  I walked across to the next building and called Josh to let him know what was happening.  He asked if he should leave work but I said, "no" because they checked me out and set up an appointment for the following Monday.  I thought everything was fine, that the doctor was being overly cautious. 
Nope.
The sonogram technician at the specialty center showed me the growth and development chart.  Colt was out of range... in the 5% range to be exact.  They sent me to the waiting room while the doctors "consulted."  I texted Josh.  I told him I was scared.  He was there in 15 minutes.  The doctors were still consulting...
The second sonogram revealed the deviations in blood flow, low amniotic fluid, and a baby measuring at 34 weeks.  The doctor said that normally, with low birth weight, they recommend delivery at 38 weeks but with low birth weight and complications they suggest delivery at 37 weeks. I had been sick for 8 days and Josh and I just wanted him to be in the safest environment possible.  Apparently that was no longer my womb so we told the doctor to get him out of there.  He called my doctor at Raleigh OBGYN and she said they could do a c section that day, since he was still breech.  They sent us to labor and delivery on the second floor, and told me to take off all of my jewelry. 
I think we were still in shock.  We started the phone calling but this cloudy layer of disbelief and worry started drowning me.  I tried to push it away because I also had this feeling that he was fine... just small.
By 10:30 I was in a bed in triage answering tons and tons of the same questions over and over again.  At 4:03 they pulled Colt from my belly and I heard him whimper. 
He was fine!  Healthy, beautiful... 5lbs, 13oz and 19 inches long.  Perfect.  Scored an 8 and 9 on the Apgar (same as Parker). When I finally held him in the recovery room, he latched on.  And when we finally settled in our room, I cried like a baby because God is so so good and I was so so scared. 
Fear not, for I am with thee.
Colt dropped to 5.4 with slight jaundice by the 3 day and we are currently nursing like crazy and venturing outside for time in the sun, while managing 3 boys and frequent pediatrician visits.  Parker is recovering from a double ear infection, and Kane is readjusting to mommy and daddy's rules.  The boys were spoiled by Nonna for 4 days and lived out of a bag.  Jo Jo is still at Nonna's house and Kane is going through separation.
I think I may still be standing in fog.  I have a cough that pulls and tugs and makes my incision burn every time.  Healing from this is going to take a lot longer than it did with Kane and Parker's delivery.

The plus side is the support we have from our friends at Central.  I just returned from a beach trip with the girls on Saturday and I think God arranged that on purpose.  He opened up a few doors that I was OK with walking through over the weekend and because of it, I have hope that any and all forms of postpartum will be conquered.  I have a lot of accountability partners.  Josh and I are in a much different place today than we were a year ago. It may sound funny, but 3 boys is cake compared to that.  We know ourselves better, we know each other better, and I really believe in the salvation of Jesus.  I know it sounds funny but I don't think my personality has changed, or that I am so completely different... I just think I admitted what my weaknesses were.  I allowed God and my family to help me with them, to send people to be in my life that would help me with them, and focused on that one act of asking God to change the desires of my heart.  I pray a constant river of "pleases and helps" but it just seems like the struggles are different now.

Like just yesterday I went upstairs to pump for 15 minutes and within that time, Parker ended up with a bruise, Kane ended up in different clothes, and the floor got a bath.  Don't ask.
Don't let it fool you.... I AM so excited to start this walk with Colt.  I can't wait to see his personality and watch our family grow together in Christ.