Know who favored gun control? Hitler!

"The most foolish mistake we could possibly make would be to allow the subject races to possess arms. History shows that all conquerors who have allowed their subject races to carry arms have prepared their own downfall by so doing so." Adolph Hitler dinner talk on April 11, 1942, quoted in Hitler's Table Talk 1941-44: His Private Conversations, Second Edition (1973), Pg. 425-426

Here are two provisions of the 1938 German weapons act;

Jews (§5 of the First Regulations of the German Citizenship Law of 14 November 1935, Reichsgesetzblatt I, p. 1333) are prohibited from acquiring, possessing, and carrying firearms and ammunition, as well as truncheons or stabbing weapons.  Those now possessing weapons and ammunition are at once to turn them over to the local police authority.

Firearms and ammunition found in a Jew's possession will be forfeited to the government without compensation.

My beautiful Kane

Tonight before going to bed my son Kane said something that stopped me cold. He looked and me and said "Dad if someone tried to shoot me I'd get down on my knees and put my hands together like this (pushing his hands flat together as if to pray) and I would pray to God."

Even as I write this I'm still upset and find it hard not to think about my son in that situation or the fact that he is thinking about it without crying my eyes out. Kane is four years old, and no matter what your view is as the cause of recent events its hard to know evil abounds and my little man just shouldn't have to think through these things.

There is the part of me that is so proud of my firstborn. At four he knows who will save him either in the here and now or for eternity. He spoke without fear as someone convicted in his belief and it's a knowing I didn't have at that age. I have to thank God for that, for the influences He placed in Kane's life and his zeal for the Word. Kane doesn't know it but he should serve as a beacon for what we all really need right now, God.

So as hard as it is to swallow as I hold back the flood I take some comfort in knowing that even though evil exist, so does love and the faith you too can have in Jesus Christ and God. I love you boys.

It breaks my heart.

Today as a nation we experienced another mass shooting but this one was an event unlike any other we've experienced. Today one of the places we as Americans hold most sacred, most vulnerable and most pure was the scene of a horrific attack. As most of you know Shannon is a second grade teacher, as her and I talked she told me of how her peers and her believed it would never happen at an elementary school. Unfortunately today they and we were proved wrong.

I found out earlier in the day just before noon and was floored, not much but "Why" fills your mind. Hopefully, not many us will ever be able to understand the thinking of someone who's soul is so dark they could shoot innocent children. Never the less you can't help but ask why. I cannot imagine the feelings those parents had as they arrived at Sandy Hook and learned their child was killed. I have no shame admitting I wept thinking of those young lives that wouldn't see the Christmas Day they had been counting down. There are presents under the tree with the names of children that will never see them. Today the parents of twenty children will have empty beds in their house with no one to tuck them in to them. I truly pray I never experience the emptiness that is fresh in the hearts of so many tonight.

I hate that tonight the media and web site commentators have used this to bring up the issue of gun control. These events are not pedestals for gun control debates on either side but as you're aware I am for gun ownership and second amendment rights. You're put in a bad position because the conversation initiated from the media is never for gun ownership after these attacks. This forces you to make a decision about how to respond. Do you keep quiet and let people with their own anti-gun agenda use fear mongering to twist the public into believing it was guns and their owners that own the burden of these attacks? Perhaps you choose to speak out instead, to point out that the 2010 preliminary results list firearms as being responsible for 11,015 homicides in the US. In contrast pneumonia took the lives of 49,510 people and heart disease was responsible for a staggering 595,444 over 5400x that of homicides by firearms. Yet in the face of those statistics, fear is used to move the country, not facts. Our President called for "immediate action" to prevent such shootings but isn't that generality the issue in this debate. Over and over again we hear that a discussion needs to be had around gun control but we never hear about what or to what end that discussion is for. Where is the call to immediate action for legislation to lower the 83,308 deaths caused by Alzheimer disease? The fact is the number of homicides from firearms actually decreased by 12.8% from 2007 to 2010 according to CDC reports.

To give more context to how helpful "gun control" laws would be,  the average loss of life from mass shootings over the past few decades is approximately 100 people annually. That is a whooping .004% of all deaths, but homicides by firearms are  111x more at .47% of all deaths. It's understandable why we should make it such a priority with numbers so large. Most journalist and experts will admit the issue of mental health is typically more pertinent to decreasing murders by firearm but that's just much harder to address.

Before we actually have a conversation around gun control let's prioritize what we're discussing and what we're trying to accomplish. Let's not make statements that say if the attackers didn't have a gun then the victims would still be alive. Statistics show over 31% of homicides weren't by a gun at all. Perhaps the discussion should be why select media groups and political parties continue to push an agenda that seemly has such a small impact on the number of overall deaths in the US. Is there another reason to limit the type or number of weapons that law abiding citizens have access to? We all know by common sense that new laws won't stop criminals at all from acquiring weapons of any type. Perhaps we really believe there was no alcohol drank during the Prohibition. Let's have a discussion around gun control but let's make it about responsible gun ownership, it keeps in line with the goal of protecting the innocent while also not infringing on the right to bear arms.

You KNOW you're tired when...

You hold the sponge under the kitchen faucet and start to get frustrated when it isn't getting wet... then you realize you never turned the water on.

Colt is an epic mess. Re-thinking the whole 5 thing...  :o)

You get Nationally Board Certified and don't even know it until 2 weeks later.

You forget that the milk goes in the fridge... not the cabinet.

Jackson "Colt" Ferrell

Oh my.  I went in for a regular check up on Monday morning.  I had been measuring small for the last 3 months, and the good doctor wanted to do a second sonogram to check the baby's growth.  My belly was measuring at 31 weeks...I was 37 weeks.  At the office she decided she wanted a second opinion from the Women's Specialty Center in the birthing center.  I walked across to the next building and called Josh to let him know what was happening.  He asked if he should leave work but I said, "no" because they checked me out and set up an appointment for the following Monday.  I thought everything was fine, that the doctor was being overly cautious. 
Nope.
The sonogram technician at the specialty center showed me the growth and development chart.  Colt was out of range... in the 5% range to be exact.  They sent me to the waiting room while the doctors "consulted."  I texted Josh.  I told him I was scared.  He was there in 15 minutes.  The doctors were still consulting...
The second sonogram revealed the deviations in blood flow, low amniotic fluid, and a baby measuring at 34 weeks.  The doctor said that normally, with low birth weight, they recommend delivery at 38 weeks but with low birth weight and complications they suggest delivery at 37 weeks. I had been sick for 8 days and Josh and I just wanted him to be in the safest environment possible.  Apparently that was no longer my womb so we told the doctor to get him out of there.  He called my doctor at Raleigh OBGYN and she said they could do a c section that day, since he was still breech.  They sent us to labor and delivery on the second floor, and told me to take off all of my jewelry. 
I think we were still in shock.  We started the phone calling but this cloudy layer of disbelief and worry started drowning me.  I tried to push it away because I also had this feeling that he was fine... just small.
By 10:30 I was in a bed in triage answering tons and tons of the same questions over and over again.  At 4:03 they pulled Colt from my belly and I heard him whimper. 
He was fine!  Healthy, beautiful... 5lbs, 13oz and 19 inches long.  Perfect.  Scored an 8 and 9 on the Apgar (same as Parker). When I finally held him in the recovery room, he latched on.  And when we finally settled in our room, I cried like a baby because God is so so good and I was so so scared. 
Fear not, for I am with thee.
Colt dropped to 5.4 with slight jaundice by the 3 day and we are currently nursing like crazy and venturing outside for time in the sun, while managing 3 boys and frequent pediatrician visits.  Parker is recovering from a double ear infection, and Kane is readjusting to mommy and daddy's rules.  The boys were spoiled by Nonna for 4 days and lived out of a bag.  Jo Jo is still at Nonna's house and Kane is going through separation.
I think I may still be standing in fog.  I have a cough that pulls and tugs and makes my incision burn every time.  Healing from this is going to take a lot longer than it did with Kane and Parker's delivery.

The plus side is the support we have from our friends at Central.  I just returned from a beach trip with the girls on Saturday and I think God arranged that on purpose.  He opened up a few doors that I was OK with walking through over the weekend and because of it, I have hope that any and all forms of postpartum will be conquered.  I have a lot of accountability partners.  Josh and I are in a much different place today than we were a year ago. It may sound funny, but 3 boys is cake compared to that.  We know ourselves better, we know each other better, and I really believe in the salvation of Jesus.  I know it sounds funny but I don't think my personality has changed, or that I am so completely different... I just think I admitted what my weaknesses were.  I allowed God and my family to help me with them, to send people to be in my life that would help me with them, and focused on that one act of asking God to change the desires of my heart.  I pray a constant river of "pleases and helps" but it just seems like the struggles are different now.

Like just yesterday I went upstairs to pump for 15 minutes and within that time, Parker ended up with a bruise, Kane ended up in different clothes, and the floor got a bath.  Don't ask.
Don't let it fool you.... I AM so excited to start this walk with Colt.  I can't wait to see his personality and watch our family grow together in Christ. 

My Summer... so far.

Well Kane and I kicked summer off at the Wendell swim club.  The water was freezing and upon ignoring Kane altogether his fear collapsed to cautious bravery as he slipped beneath the water 3 times.  Yay for Kane.  Here's to a summer of learning to swim.  It wasn't until later that I discovered that while Kane is the debater of all things fun and/or necessary when it comes to water, Parker is the infamous (and fearless) "Flipper" from that '90's show about the crime-stopping dolphin.  Meanwhile, baby Colt is swimming in a sea of placenta and quite content to stay put (thanks for that darling..).
In the mean time we have ventured into the quest of dog-training with our youngest member of the family, Sascha the husky shepherd.  Leash walking on day one ended with me scratched, bleeding, and bruised from literally head to toe.  That puppy is bigger than a Smart Car.  She could eat me.  The plus is that 3 weeks later she is now able to walk on a leash and does well when there are no cats in her line of vision.  We have discovered, to our dismay, that when we leave our front door open to the protection of the storm door only, she is able to barge through the storm door (even when locked), and will go on a rampage in search of our cat Bell-a-bell.  Poor Bella, she has scaled trees and vanished in gutters to avoid the gnashing teeth of this car-like animal.  All in all, training is going quite well :o)
I also spent a week with the boys at my dad's place near Topsail Island.  We combed the beach every day and for me, it was a much needed period of isolation.  Sometimes the quiet fields of Verona, and the eternal love of my father are the only therapy I need to forget that raging battle of integrity inside me.

But the real highlight of the summer has been the legalities and compassion surrounding a family member with intense depression and his stint at the neuroscience facility in UNC Chapel Hill's hospital.

My parents divorced when I was a preschooler and my uncle moved in with my dad closely afterwards.  He never left.  In hindsight I noticed that he slept ridiculously long hours (or days) and never engaged much with me as a child.  But I loved him so severely that I cannot imagine what it would have been like to grow up without him in my home. I stayed at my dad's house on Thursdays and every Friday morning I woke up, made my bed ("Navy style" to suit my uncle's taste...though he dubbed a redo regardless), and went to the bathroom to find a treat of some sort on the counter.   If I couldn't sleep, we would do word puzzles together and watch TV drama.  If I left a mess of any kind he cleaned it up religiously.  I slept with "Little Foot" the stuffed animal from The Land Before Time until I was 18 and when I wasn't at my dad's... my uncle babysat him for me.  He even stitched him up once or twice.  My uncle had impeccable taste in design and bought home furnishings and furniture to change the look of my bedroom and bathroom.  I loved my uncle because he was consistent, reliable, predictable, and constant.  Yet there was a volatile imbalance in him that came with ironies and impulsiveness. And that was interesting to me too. I looked forward to those late nights when he arrived home from work (having always worked the night shift), when he would let me in on something he'd been pondering.  It could have been a brand new car, a speeding ticket, or new furnishings, but whatever it was, it was always so endearing to find him excited or emotional about something.  Something.  Anything.

He was involuntarily committed to UNC a little over a week ago.  He just didn't think he could go on and the reality of his threats to his life became too convincing.  I've visited almost everyday.  He's laid in a bed for 4 of them.   I saw no hope, I saw anger, sadness, frustration.  On that 2.5 hour daily round trip... I often think,  "Where are you?  Where is my constant?  I need you to get up and try."  Some days I just feel so small next to his big listless heart.  My dad and his twin brother came up to visit with him on Saturday after we listed his house on the market.  This momentous day meant much to our family as we gear up to move my uncle home to be with his brothers in Verona.  The nurses are reporting some activity on his part (finally), though he continues to be reluctant to face the day.  I witness to him daily, though I know he loves the Lord.  I read from the Bible... it's calming and lyrical sonnets.  I rub his back and tell him how much he is loved by so so so many people. 
It's not as if the signs weren't there all these years.  We all knew he had his struggles.  It certainly wasn't the first time he'd fallen into a deep depression.  His obsessive compulsive tendencies and anxiety were clear indicators.  Have you ever seen the show "Monk"?  Picture that guy with manic depression... working the night shift at a convenient store for 18 years.  You get the idea.  It took a non-family member to call the world to attention to my uncle's inner turmoil.  Some days I wish it were one of us that had realized he was beyond the help of the love of his family... that his conflicts ran too deep even for us.   I consider my family one of the strongest units on earth.  They are vast.  Their support runs deep and complete.  Among the many things I have learned from this, it's that my family is limitless in their collaboration to help.  Yes, we each have boundaries.... but the desire to support and raise up is flawless.  I think that is rare, and I know I've been blessed to have them.  I am beyond grateful that my children can say they are a part of of this particular family, and that they will know it actually means something enduring... something bigger than themselves.  And I pray that my uncle will find strength in God's sufficient and perfect power to reveal purpose to his life.