Boundaries

So Josh and I are reading Cloud & Townsend's Boundaries.  It's a small group study on living your life more fully and displaying truth and love more freely based on Biblical principals.  We are the small group, but our discussions are marital based.

Tonight's Q & A
1.  Think of a time when you stuck by one of your boundaries and people respected it.  Why were you able to maintain your boundary?

...So there aren't many things that make me maintain my boundaries, sad, I know, because I guess I'm weak in that respect.  But I remember this one time, I had a friend that I went on several mission trips with overseas and she had started secretly dating another member of her campus ministry group.   At the time, I was in grad school and in order to participate in mission trips, I was a designated Adult Leader.  So I'm walking with my friend in a park in New Orleans and she tells me she's been seeing this guy.  She asks me not to tell.  Later in the week another member of our group asks me what's up with this girl and this guy.  I tell her ..."You'll have to ask her about that I guess."  And the person says, "Oh! So you do know something!" And to that I say, "Yes...but I can't say anything, it's not my place." So the person says, "But just tell me, it's no big deal, I won't tell."  So I say, "But I wouldn't be a very good friend if I did that."  And the person says, "Yea.  That's true."  ...

Boundaries!  So I was able to maintain my boundaries with this person because I didn't care how they felt, one way or the other, about my not telling them what I knew.   And also because it suited my place as an "Adult Advisor"... and not a friend to the members of the mission group.  It occurs to me that this is the problem I have.  I let my emotions rule my boundaries.  So when people do things I don't like, or I know is wrong, I don't always say anything because I care too much about hurting their feelings or embarrassing them...because I know those feelings suck...and when I know someone is happy because of me, or they feel good about talking to me, it makes me feel good. But it could also make me a chump and set me up for false relationships.  Especially when I hold honesty in for too long and finally get so pissed at the littlest thing that I just blow up and say screw it, I'm done with you. 

Which brings me to Q2.  What will you do to strengthen your boundary-keeping ability?  Someone once told me that their real friends would be their friends no matter what, and nobody else matters.  To not worry about a reputation, that family would love you regardless, and basically... that fighting honesty is exhausting.  That's what I need to remember.  But I will say this...in the mean time I need to learn tact.  Because if I'm going to be THAT kind of honest, I need to do it with grace since it could be the difference between the end of a relationship or the beginning of a great one.