I would start off by saying that the average American right now has a healthy and founded fear of where our economy is, where is it headed and where it isn't headed. All that being said I still can not discern whether or not my fear is rational or not. You see I like most Americans have an addiction to "news". I try to diversify what I listen to, read or watch in order to maintain a balance between what would be considered mainstream and what is a secondary source so that I may also diversify the level of "concentrated topic" I recieve. Regardless of the venue it seems that more so then ever there is a large focus on not just our economy but the world economy and it's state of disarray. The problem is that here recently I've been more heavily burdened by these reports and what it means for my family. You see I grew up listening to grandparents who were children themselves during the Great Depression but I don't think any of us can truely understand what that era of American history was like to live through. You obviously can tell why I bring it up because from my perspective I can only see us heading in that same direction.
I look to signs and signals in the economy to help me make sure I stay ahead of the fall but it just looks to be degrading too far too fast. Like the years prior to the Depression America's debts have far outreached their income on both private and federal fronts. The "true" unemployment rate hovers between 20 and 25 percent almost matching exactly Depression era levels. America like other countries are looking to jobs and "wasteful spending" for the cuts necessary but we spend so much that cuts, well just won't cut it. So what do we do?
I wish I could say that unlike most American's I'm eliminating my debts, owing nothing on my house or cars so in the event I'm not able to pay for things I'll still have what I own in my possession but the reality is we're not entirely there. We're maybe three years into home ownership and while we did put money down we also did a 30 year mortgage and are no where near the point of owning our home "free and clear" and while we may very where have our cars paid off here soon, who's to say that economy wouldn't force one of us out of the job first.
I usually write from a place of experience, of having some knowing of what I'm discussing or even a "how-to" for a situation or task but I really don't know what to do myself in this place America has found itself in. In truth I've purchased more ammo and tried to be more proficient with a shot for hunting reasons only, and we've really tried to adhere to specific budgets in preperation for a time when we will have to be familar with the habit but also to try to save as much as possible now. I really don't know how rational I'm being in feeling so hopeless about the state of things but the fact that I am so weighed down has to lend credence to this mindset. I can only place my faith in God and pray to have him see us through this dark period, no matter how long it last.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Sunday, October 2, 2011
The First 48 - An ADHD Tale
For those of you that don't already know, several weeks ago a councilor told me I had ADHD. He read off 25 classic symptons of ADHD from the DSM(Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) and of those 25 I exhibited 23 that I could recall without hesitation or prethought on the sympton. This previous Thursday I went to see a psychiatrist who prescibed to me Adderall a stimulant used in the treatment of ADHD. I was so excited to get it I tried Thursday night at Walgreens who was out, Friday morning at Walmart who didn't open until 9AM, Friday at lunch who was closed for lunch and finally Friday after work in the pouring rain and the following account of my weekend is why.
I am a new man starting Friday afternoon or rather I feel I am. I take the medicine as soon as I get home. It's my night to cook so the delay works in my favor. As it takes effect I am sitting at the table with my wife and son. I'm able to follow my wife's conversation and not look away. I'm not distracted by my three year old insisting on telling me some fact he wished to repeat over and over again. To give context to this miracle you must know that for the entirety of a life I can remember I've never been able to look anyone in the face for very long. To further illustrate this point my wife and I had a date two weeks back at Firebirds at a small table facing each other and I was so hurt that I could not stare directly at her for more then say 120 seconds dispite my best efforts. At some point I tell my wife how excited I am because it's been over four minutes and I've not had the urge to look around or check my phone or respond to my son once. I was able to engulf myself in her beautiful face and the words of her day. She cries, I wish I could say over joyed with my new ability but more overburdened by what must have felt to be a lifetime of inattentiveness and I can only guess what she assumed was just me not caring. My words are not affected by her feelings or suddle nuances of her face, I am coherent and clear in my word selection and say what I mean to say. I feel like a three year old who has just been able to speak like Robert Frost. She goes to put Parker to bed, I stay with Kane. I help him continue with his dinner by continually redirecting him back to his food. I'm not distracted by his singing or his unconscious ability to continually throw me off the task at hand. He responds well and eats everything off his plate with the exception of carrots and green beans but managed to eat half of a third pound turkey burger, 1/4 cup of backed beans and probably 6 grapes. In this instance the devil is in the details, the fact that I can remember this is remarkable. Previously I couldn't tell you the majority of what I did in a day and in an instant I was now mentally present in the world I was physically in and could recount the majority of it. I put my son to bed as my wife goes to work out even though she doesn't need to. I am amazed that I'm not frustrated by his need to give me lengthy explainations for any and everything and for the most part the night has gone off without incident, certainly a first time in a while. I read a book to him and am able to read visually the next line as I'm speaking the last, a talent I had not had before. Imagine how Peter Parker first felt when learning he could climb a wall, I wanted to read large books in a single night. I was excited to read a book, for any of you that know me this in itself should prove the significance of this event. I go into the room and begin to explain my new found state of mind to Shannon, she starts to cry again and I can only guess at that moment because she has missed this for so long and for so long it's steered our relationship. The constant bickering about not doing what I committed to, or forgetting what was said or not paying attention to important conversations. Once again I'm able to remain calm and not have what I'm saying affected by her emotional response, an attribute I've learned is key in most any interaction now. It's one thing to me empathetic, it's another to be symbiotic and almost controlled by someone else's feeling as if they are you own. In a winfall of emotion I sob uncontrollably. I think of my life's missed opportunity, the pain I've put family and friends through against my will, the cage of chaos I was trapped in. I break down recounting failed friendships and arguing matches with Shannon. I recall images of her frustration and specifically how her face looks when "I've done it again". We work through the emotion and I go out for beer, a movie and skittles for Shannon, they are her favorite, all three.
The next morning Shannon has to go grocery shopping while I take care of the kids. While she is gone I get the clothes folded and put away. I'm able to sand and paint parts of the walls that have been on my list of things to get done. I make my bed and put away clothes left out the night before. I clean out all the dishes in the drying rack. I take out the trash. I feed the kids and put Parker down for a nap. I wash down the counters. It's important to stop for a moment and tell you I wasn't responsible for anything I've done at this point except for maybe the paint and the kids because well they have to eat but they were task that needed to get done. I know some of you may scoff at this, may assume it's me trying to suck up to my wife or go above and beyond to prove that the reason I didn't do these things all along was the ADHD. In short it was, I wasn't able to look around the room and see the task that had to be completed only observe what was where it was. You'd have to be me to understand what that means. My wife comes home and doesn't say much but I don't expect a parade or trophy but she does thank me. I lament to her later how I felt, how good it felt to have done so much and not feel like I had to but rather that I wanted to because it needed to happen. She crys again, I'm not doing so hot this weekend am I? She tells me it's good to know she wasn't crazy, it wasn't unrealistic to expect these things and be frustrated by my lack of commitment and what felt like pulling all the weight. She soon regains composure and we go about our business. We take Kane to soccer, we stop and get him McDonalds after what turned out to be a wonder game he participated in. My wife runs to the tailor, when she returned I run up to Perrys and don't spend countless hours wandering around "shopping". I get what I need and come back. I start working on more things that need to get done because she is now napping. She wakes up and we talk more about the day and she goes off with a friend of ours to the movies. I get the kids up and ready, we play and hang out and I get them feed and dressed for my mothers. We drop the kids off and go on a "date" to Buffalo Wild Wings to watch UNC shut down ECU. It is a glorious time, I laugh and have fun with her, I enjoy her company, I listen to her day and her stories and I ask relavent questions in response. I interact with people around us and piss off two ECU alumni girls by asking for a high five after UNC scores it's second touch down. We wrap up the night, 12 wings and 2 servings of corn dogs later and go home for the night after picking up the kids.
Today I woke up and took on several more task after sleeping in a bit and then feeding the kids. I fix door knobs and dresser handles I haven't addressed in months and paint some more. I leave to help my mother in law and her husband move his mother into a retirement community. We make several trips, I remain calculated and still retain the ability to discern the best case scenario quickly but am able to focus and quickly move through the labor. I come home, more football, dinner, class at church and now home again.
Shannon and I talk about the class we just attended on contemporary Christian issues and as we're wrapping up I start a line with "I'm coming down from my medicine" she responds with a line that only reflects the emotions she's been accosted by over the years and the triggers she's aquired because of it. I recongize this as a highly charged situation and decide to write out what I was about to say. She goes to bed, sometimes it's best just to take a time out.
It's now 10:19. I haven't had much trouble in writing this at all. Occasionally I switch to my Google tab in my browser to search for the correct spelling of a word that doesn't look right on my screen. I haven't wandered to tommorow's events or Alt-Tabed back to google to check my mail or look up something that caught my train of thought. Apparently I'm not coming down from my medicine like I thought I was, I thought I only got four good hours but I'm thinking it's more like 6 plus. I guess I should write a disclaimer in now, I am not now Spider Man. I still am able to get distracted, and still can be forgetful about where I put my beer although now I remember "Oh I left it in the bathroom". My hand writing hasn't improved and as best I can tell neither has my writing. I'm not some super cleaner who can task without stopping or life getting in the way I'm just able to get back to what I was doing now without having forgot. I still make jokes nervously, rehearse conversations in my head and impulsively tell people "the truth" although I'll admit a bit more filtered now.
These next lines may ring cliche to a few of you but if you or someone you know is possibly battling similar symptons I urge you to consult a local psychiatrist or assist them. You aren't crazy, you aren't dumb or lazy, you just need help. In my spare time this weekend I had raced through the possibilities I felt were opened to me now, I've wanted to experience everything over again with my new found focus. I was once a disbeliever in this "fad" and just believed I was different but I see now that I needed help. If this weekend has been any indication as to how drastically my life can be changed for the better then I would even go so far as to beg anyone possibly suffering with this to get help, you deserve to unchain yourself from the restraints of ADHD or ADD. My experience may be different from yours and so will my symptons but hopefully not the outcome. Thanks for reading guys, I hope this helps someone and most of all thank you Shannon. You've put up with so much over the years, you've fought a battle with someone who didn't know he was in a war. You've sliped up and because you are human you've erred, but I love you for still being upstairs waiting for me to come to bed. As long as I can I will work against this and take medicine to help me release the husband, father and person I know I can be now.
I am a new man starting Friday afternoon or rather I feel I am. I take the medicine as soon as I get home. It's my night to cook so the delay works in my favor. As it takes effect I am sitting at the table with my wife and son. I'm able to follow my wife's conversation and not look away. I'm not distracted by my three year old insisting on telling me some fact he wished to repeat over and over again. To give context to this miracle you must know that for the entirety of a life I can remember I've never been able to look anyone in the face for very long. To further illustrate this point my wife and I had a date two weeks back at Firebirds at a small table facing each other and I was so hurt that I could not stare directly at her for more then say 120 seconds dispite my best efforts. At some point I tell my wife how excited I am because it's been over four minutes and I've not had the urge to look around or check my phone or respond to my son once. I was able to engulf myself in her beautiful face and the words of her day. She cries, I wish I could say over joyed with my new ability but more overburdened by what must have felt to be a lifetime of inattentiveness and I can only guess what she assumed was just me not caring. My words are not affected by her feelings or suddle nuances of her face, I am coherent and clear in my word selection and say what I mean to say. I feel like a three year old who has just been able to speak like Robert Frost. She goes to put Parker to bed, I stay with Kane. I help him continue with his dinner by continually redirecting him back to his food. I'm not distracted by his singing or his unconscious ability to continually throw me off the task at hand. He responds well and eats everything off his plate with the exception of carrots and green beans but managed to eat half of a third pound turkey burger, 1/4 cup of backed beans and probably 6 grapes. In this instance the devil is in the details, the fact that I can remember this is remarkable. Previously I couldn't tell you the majority of what I did in a day and in an instant I was now mentally present in the world I was physically in and could recount the majority of it. I put my son to bed as my wife goes to work out even though she doesn't need to. I am amazed that I'm not frustrated by his need to give me lengthy explainations for any and everything and for the most part the night has gone off without incident, certainly a first time in a while. I read a book to him and am able to read visually the next line as I'm speaking the last, a talent I had not had before. Imagine how Peter Parker first felt when learning he could climb a wall, I wanted to read large books in a single night. I was excited to read a book, for any of you that know me this in itself should prove the significance of this event. I go into the room and begin to explain my new found state of mind to Shannon, she starts to cry again and I can only guess at that moment because she has missed this for so long and for so long it's steered our relationship. The constant bickering about not doing what I committed to, or forgetting what was said or not paying attention to important conversations. Once again I'm able to remain calm and not have what I'm saying affected by her emotional response, an attribute I've learned is key in most any interaction now. It's one thing to me empathetic, it's another to be symbiotic and almost controlled by someone else's feeling as if they are you own. In a winfall of emotion I sob uncontrollably. I think of my life's missed opportunity, the pain I've put family and friends through against my will, the cage of chaos I was trapped in. I break down recounting failed friendships and arguing matches with Shannon. I recall images of her frustration and specifically how her face looks when "I've done it again". We work through the emotion and I go out for beer, a movie and skittles for Shannon, they are her favorite, all three.
The next morning Shannon has to go grocery shopping while I take care of the kids. While she is gone I get the clothes folded and put away. I'm able to sand and paint parts of the walls that have been on my list of things to get done. I make my bed and put away clothes left out the night before. I clean out all the dishes in the drying rack. I take out the trash. I feed the kids and put Parker down for a nap. I wash down the counters. It's important to stop for a moment and tell you I wasn't responsible for anything I've done at this point except for maybe the paint and the kids because well they have to eat but they were task that needed to get done. I know some of you may scoff at this, may assume it's me trying to suck up to my wife or go above and beyond to prove that the reason I didn't do these things all along was the ADHD. In short it was, I wasn't able to look around the room and see the task that had to be completed only observe what was where it was. You'd have to be me to understand what that means. My wife comes home and doesn't say much but I don't expect a parade or trophy but she does thank me. I lament to her later how I felt, how good it felt to have done so much and not feel like I had to but rather that I wanted to because it needed to happen. She crys again, I'm not doing so hot this weekend am I? She tells me it's good to know she wasn't crazy, it wasn't unrealistic to expect these things and be frustrated by my lack of commitment and what felt like pulling all the weight. She soon regains composure and we go about our business. We take Kane to soccer, we stop and get him McDonalds after what turned out to be a wonder game he participated in. My wife runs to the tailor, when she returned I run up to Perrys and don't spend countless hours wandering around "shopping". I get what I need and come back. I start working on more things that need to get done because she is now napping. She wakes up and we talk more about the day and she goes off with a friend of ours to the movies. I get the kids up and ready, we play and hang out and I get them feed and dressed for my mothers. We drop the kids off and go on a "date" to Buffalo Wild Wings to watch UNC shut down ECU. It is a glorious time, I laugh and have fun with her, I enjoy her company, I listen to her day and her stories and I ask relavent questions in response. I interact with people around us and piss off two ECU alumni girls by asking for a high five after UNC scores it's second touch down. We wrap up the night, 12 wings and 2 servings of corn dogs later and go home for the night after picking up the kids.
Today I woke up and took on several more task after sleeping in a bit and then feeding the kids. I fix door knobs and dresser handles I haven't addressed in months and paint some more. I leave to help my mother in law and her husband move his mother into a retirement community. We make several trips, I remain calculated and still retain the ability to discern the best case scenario quickly but am able to focus and quickly move through the labor. I come home, more football, dinner, class at church and now home again.
Shannon and I talk about the class we just attended on contemporary Christian issues and as we're wrapping up I start a line with "I'm coming down from my medicine" she responds with a line that only reflects the emotions she's been accosted by over the years and the triggers she's aquired because of it. I recongize this as a highly charged situation and decide to write out what I was about to say. She goes to bed, sometimes it's best just to take a time out.
It's now 10:19. I haven't had much trouble in writing this at all. Occasionally I switch to my Google tab in my browser to search for the correct spelling of a word that doesn't look right on my screen. I haven't wandered to tommorow's events or Alt-Tabed back to google to check my mail or look up something that caught my train of thought. Apparently I'm not coming down from my medicine like I thought I was, I thought I only got four good hours but I'm thinking it's more like 6 plus. I guess I should write a disclaimer in now, I am not now Spider Man. I still am able to get distracted, and still can be forgetful about where I put my beer although now I remember "Oh I left it in the bathroom". My hand writing hasn't improved and as best I can tell neither has my writing. I'm not some super cleaner who can task without stopping or life getting in the way I'm just able to get back to what I was doing now without having forgot. I still make jokes nervously, rehearse conversations in my head and impulsively tell people "the truth" although I'll admit a bit more filtered now.
These next lines may ring cliche to a few of you but if you or someone you know is possibly battling similar symptons I urge you to consult a local psychiatrist or assist them. You aren't crazy, you aren't dumb or lazy, you just need help. In my spare time this weekend I had raced through the possibilities I felt were opened to me now, I've wanted to experience everything over again with my new found focus. I was once a disbeliever in this "fad" and just believed I was different but I see now that I needed help. If this weekend has been any indication as to how drastically my life can be changed for the better then I would even go so far as to beg anyone possibly suffering with this to get help, you deserve to unchain yourself from the restraints of ADHD or ADD. My experience may be different from yours and so will my symptons but hopefully not the outcome. Thanks for reading guys, I hope this helps someone and most of all thank you Shannon. You've put up with so much over the years, you've fought a battle with someone who didn't know he was in a war. You've sliped up and because you are human you've erred, but I love you for still being upstairs waiting for me to come to bed. As long as I can I will work against this and take medicine to help me release the husband, father and person I know I can be now.
Thursday, September 29, 2011
What I Really Think.
...that ECU will kick UNC tooshy this weekend...
...that there is a beer theif living in my refridgerator...
...that Greg Fishel is shrinking...
...that stickers make a 3 year old boy eat, sleep, and obey...
...that stickers make a 9 month old boy sticky...
...that stickers make a 27 year old boy feel happy and successful...
...that there is a beer theif living in my refridgerator...
...that Greg Fishel is shrinking...
...that stickers make a 3 year old boy eat, sleep, and obey...
...that stickers make a 9 month old boy sticky...
...that stickers make a 27 year old boy feel happy and successful...
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Politico
I was sitting at my desk when a little IM popped up from the guy on the side of the office from me, it was a WRAL article on their website about a "joke" Gov. Perdue had made at a Cary Rotory club meeting. Her joke was a personal opinion that we should suspend upcoming congressional elections to allow politicions to focus on the job at hand. Below is the quote;
"I think we ought to suspend, perhaps, elections for Congress for two years and just tell them we won't hold it against them, whatever decisions they make, to just let them help this country recover,"
I'm left with one of two thoughts, either one she is the worst comedian in the world or two she represents one of the worst ideas we've heard recently in political history or is it? I present exhibit B a quote from President Obama at the Congressional Hispanic Caucus;
"There are times where -- until Nancy Pelosi is speaker again -- I'd like to work my way around Congress."
In case you aren't aware these ideas represent an anti-democratic society. In developing democratic countries when elected officials become worried that the next election will give them the boot they start using phrases like "suspend elections indefinately". This is a polite way of saying, not allow you to get my ass out of office. What you don't find on WRAL.com is that the very next line from Perdue is "I really hope that someone can agree with me on that." That's not indicative of a joke at all, it's a ralley cry to get people behind the idea of not voting out congressional officials from office. Asked yourself this, how is this in anyway an acceptable idea when this is the same government that in March of 09' supported GM's "taskforce" ousting of then GM CEO Rick Wagoner and most of the board because of their poor management of GM to the point of nearly going under.
So here we are over two years later, the tea party has released simple math showing the American public that the government is spending nearly twice as much yearly as it takes in and has debt equivalent to to almost seven times our yearly revenue and yet instead of someone recommending we replace all the politicians now we have people recommending taking that power away from the people. The idea that this would be done for the greater good of the country hints at facism and should wake you up. I'm not an zealout when it comes to politics, in general I think partisianship is meant to keep us divided and fighting each other instead of seeing how poor either side runs thing but the idea of taking away our ability to determine who is in office in the first place is terrifying at best.
On top of Perdue's call for political protection for our Congress our President wants the ability to move around them without interferance. Wouldn't that be great, a leader without accountability to anyone and the ability to do whatever he like. It'd be awesome, like a dictatorship. That's exactly what we need right now. Our fiat money is becoming even more worthless, our local politicians want to make sure they'll never be ousted like common sense and our President wants to be the next Fidel.
Good luck out there people, we're going to need it.
"I think we ought to suspend, perhaps, elections for Congress for two years and just tell them we won't hold it against them, whatever decisions they make, to just let them help this country recover,"
I'm left with one of two thoughts, either one she is the worst comedian in the world or two she represents one of the worst ideas we've heard recently in political history or is it? I present exhibit B a quote from President Obama at the Congressional Hispanic Caucus;
"There are times where -- until Nancy Pelosi is speaker again -- I'd like to work my way around Congress."
In case you aren't aware these ideas represent an anti-democratic society. In developing democratic countries when elected officials become worried that the next election will give them the boot they start using phrases like "suspend elections indefinately". This is a polite way of saying, not allow you to get my ass out of office. What you don't find on WRAL.com is that the very next line from Perdue is "I really hope that someone can agree with me on that." That's not indicative of a joke at all, it's a ralley cry to get people behind the idea of not voting out congressional officials from office. Asked yourself this, how is this in anyway an acceptable idea when this is the same government that in March of 09' supported GM's "taskforce" ousting of then GM CEO Rick Wagoner and most of the board because of their poor management of GM to the point of nearly going under.
So here we are over two years later, the tea party has released simple math showing the American public that the government is spending nearly twice as much yearly as it takes in and has debt equivalent to to almost seven times our yearly revenue and yet instead of someone recommending we replace all the politicians now we have people recommending taking that power away from the people. The idea that this would be done for the greater good of the country hints at facism and should wake you up. I'm not an zealout when it comes to politics, in general I think partisianship is meant to keep us divided and fighting each other instead of seeing how poor either side runs thing but the idea of taking away our ability to determine who is in office in the first place is terrifying at best.
On top of Perdue's call for political protection for our Congress our President wants the ability to move around them without interferance. Wouldn't that be great, a leader without accountability to anyone and the ability to do whatever he like. It'd be awesome, like a dictatorship. That's exactly what we need right now. Our fiat money is becoming even more worthless, our local politicians want to make sure they'll never be ousted like common sense and our President wants to be the next Fidel.
Good luck out there people, we're going to need it.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Dear Sleep...Where Are You?!?
You know there's a problem when you stay up from 8pm to 3:45am reading (and completing) The Hunger Games, feel exhausted the entire next day and evening...pass out for 2.5 hours with company in your home, and then cannot return to slumber when your hubby turns the TV on and falls asleep next to you. UGH.
...I had a moment of pure giggles when I noticed that not so many hours ago, I had one boy kissing my lips, one boy kissing my forehead, one boy kissing my cheek, and 2 boys sniffing and licking my hands. So even though, once again, I am sleepless (and so ready for someone to finally get some decent meds into my system), all I can think about is how completely funny that sounds when spoken from a mostly normal woman.
...I had a moment of pure giggles when I noticed that not so many hours ago, I had one boy kissing my lips, one boy kissing my forehead, one boy kissing my cheek, and 2 boys sniffing and licking my hands. So even though, once again, I am sleepless (and so ready for someone to finally get some decent meds into my system), all I can think about is how completely funny that sounds when spoken from a mostly normal woman.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
On Accents, Uniforms, and Good Music
I dig them. It's midnight and Hugh Laurie is singing Baby, Please Make a Change (which I adore) from his New Orleans blues album, Let Them Talk.
(:::::Sidebar:::: I just heard Kelly Clarkson's Mr. Know It All on Leno...WOW. Love it.)
Before this, I watched an episode of MacGyver in one of his master of disguise episodes...and hours prior to that, Josh came home and put on his new camo in preparation for this year's hunting season and MY very own private fashion show. mmmmHmmm. Yum to both the hunter and the hunted.
Now if he could only sustain a British accent, have salt and pepper hair, make something stop exploding with a chocolate bar, and be a brutally honest maverick physician that specializes in infectious diseases... Hmmm. There is something terribly wrong with me, but it could be the fact that it is now almost 1am and I am still not sleeping.
So...Tangent Time.
I heard a sermon recently that I appreciated. The discussion revolved around Primary, Secondary, and Tertiary issues of faith. On tertiary issues, piercings and tattoos have a place. So the teaching is that there is no explicit scriptural evidence of support or discouragement for tats. However, in Leviticus 19, it does mention that the good Lord does not want people defiling their bodies with pagan markings. So in short, this is a grey issue but the Bible does mention tats and it isn't exactly positive. The pastor put it this way, unless the tat glorifies God, and there are few that do, don't do it. He said that even a cross tat would most likely not lead people to Jesus unless of course you were living in a pagan community. Until that moment my tats have been mostly silent...they are quiet testimonies. I guess I can't keep them quiet anymore.
There's a cross on my rib, and the boys' names underneath. There is one on my wrist that reads, "Integrity." So here's a piece of my story, and maybe it will be food for thought.
When I was 14, my maternal grandmother passed away. She fought breast cancer for years, and it later moved to her colon. She died at 64. She's the only person that ever showed me what faith looked like. I mean, I saw faith when I saw her...I could smell faith, touch faith, laugh with it, cry with it, hold it...IT was her. I know that no person can be perfect, and she would admit she was far from it, but to me, she was "walking faith". I wasn't supposed to watch her pass away from one world to the next, but I did. I was not supposed to be in the room when she died, but I was. I heard her breathe her last breath, I heard God steal her from us way too soon. I watched EMS take her out of the house through the living room where we sat. To make a long story shorter, my paternal grandmother died from esophageal cancer the following December. My maternal great grandfather died a few weeks later in January. Then my maternal grandfather died in his sleep. My maternal great grandmother died a few months later. So they all died and I was a teenager. Naturally, I hated God. My friend and pastor told me I must be the biggest believer he knew because I hated God that much. It seems you can't hate somebody you don't believe in. For a few years I lived and breathed, but I'm not sure who was around me. And then, one night... I dreamed. I was in my grandparents house and it was the day my grandma died. My family was there, but I had this feeling that someone was missing. It occurred to me, in the dream, that it was her. She was missing, but everyone was so happy. Suddenly she appeared, beautiful, elegant, and angelic. She was going from family member to family member, sitting next to them, hugging them, talking quietly to them. When it was my turn, she sat down next to me on her favorite spot on the couch, and I could smell her again. I could feel her hair, and touch her skin. She was so real that when she hugged me, it was one of her hard hugs that left my arms squished into my body and hurting. She whispered, "Keep your integrity." That was it. She smiled at me, and stood up. I woke up all too quickly, crying, but content. It was a terrified peace. She never came to me again and I've forgotten her smell. I started going back to church the next day. Maybe my grandmother knew my convictions, or knew what my battles would be. I can't help but think that she was warning me, and trying to protect me. I wish I had listened. But I haven't. So a few months ago I had that word put permanently on my wrist as a reminder of her, of what "walking faith" felt like when I thought it left my world and put me in complete darkness, of that moment when I knew I had to give my life back to God (the good parts and the bad parts), and of what I know I am not, and what I know I can be...
(:::::Sidebar:::: I just heard Kelly Clarkson's Mr. Know It All on Leno...WOW. Love it.)
Before this, I watched an episode of MacGyver in one of his master of disguise episodes...and hours prior to that, Josh came home and put on his new camo in preparation for this year's hunting season and MY very own private fashion show. mmmmHmmm. Yum to both the hunter and the hunted.
Now if he could only sustain a British accent, have salt and pepper hair, make something stop exploding with a chocolate bar, and be a brutally honest maverick physician that specializes in infectious diseases... Hmmm. There is something terribly wrong with me, but it could be the fact that it is now almost 1am and I am still not sleeping.
So...Tangent Time.
I heard a sermon recently that I appreciated. The discussion revolved around Primary, Secondary, and Tertiary issues of faith. On tertiary issues, piercings and tattoos have a place. So the teaching is that there is no explicit scriptural evidence of support or discouragement for tats. However, in Leviticus 19, it does mention that the good Lord does not want people defiling their bodies with pagan markings. So in short, this is a grey issue but the Bible does mention tats and it isn't exactly positive. The pastor put it this way, unless the tat glorifies God, and there are few that do, don't do it. He said that even a cross tat would most likely not lead people to Jesus unless of course you were living in a pagan community. Until that moment my tats have been mostly silent...they are quiet testimonies. I guess I can't keep them quiet anymore.
There's a cross on my rib, and the boys' names underneath. There is one on my wrist that reads, "Integrity." So here's a piece of my story, and maybe it will be food for thought.
When I was 14, my maternal grandmother passed away. She fought breast cancer for years, and it later moved to her colon. She died at 64. She's the only person that ever showed me what faith looked like. I mean, I saw faith when I saw her...I could smell faith, touch faith, laugh with it, cry with it, hold it...IT was her. I know that no person can be perfect, and she would admit she was far from it, but to me, she was "walking faith". I wasn't supposed to watch her pass away from one world to the next, but I did. I was not supposed to be in the room when she died, but I was. I heard her breathe her last breath, I heard God steal her from us way too soon. I watched EMS take her out of the house through the living room where we sat. To make a long story shorter, my paternal grandmother died from esophageal cancer the following December. My maternal great grandfather died a few weeks later in January. Then my maternal grandfather died in his sleep. My maternal great grandmother died a few months later. So they all died and I was a teenager. Naturally, I hated God. My friend and pastor told me I must be the biggest believer he knew because I hated God that much. It seems you can't hate somebody you don't believe in. For a few years I lived and breathed, but I'm not sure who was around me. And then, one night... I dreamed. I was in my grandparents house and it was the day my grandma died. My family was there, but I had this feeling that someone was missing. It occurred to me, in the dream, that it was her. She was missing, but everyone was so happy. Suddenly she appeared, beautiful, elegant, and angelic. She was going from family member to family member, sitting next to them, hugging them, talking quietly to them. When it was my turn, she sat down next to me on her favorite spot on the couch, and I could smell her again. I could feel her hair, and touch her skin. She was so real that when she hugged me, it was one of her hard hugs that left my arms squished into my body and hurting. She whispered, "Keep your integrity." That was it. She smiled at me, and stood up. I woke up all too quickly, crying, but content. It was a terrified peace. She never came to me again and I've forgotten her smell. I started going back to church the next day. Maybe my grandmother knew my convictions, or knew what my battles would be. I can't help but think that she was warning me, and trying to protect me. I wish I had listened. But I haven't. So a few months ago I had that word put permanently on my wrist as a reminder of her, of what "walking faith" felt like when I thought it left my world and put me in complete darkness, of that moment when I knew I had to give my life back to God (the good parts and the bad parts), and of what I know I am not, and what I know I can be...
Sunday, September 11, 2011
So I just now realized that someone defriended me on FB. Here's the thing... I just found out. So obviously I didn't care about the person enough to notice until now. But I am seriously confused about why. Mostly because anybody that has a facebook account, unless they are monitored by their parents and under 18, has atleast one person on there profile that is not actually their "friend". I mean let's be real. I just looked at my account and I have 314 "friends". NOT. I'm sorry if this will make people defriend me, but not all 314 people can actually be considered a friend. Some are,...and some are family, but mostly they are people I kinda know, have known in the past, or know pretty well. And all of them are my "FB friends" because I'm interested in their lives and what they've made of it. So for someone to defriend me, it's like saying, "Hey, I really considered you a friend...now I don't. I could care less about you and your family, or what happens to you from now on." I don't think I've ever thought about anyone that way in my entire life.... Even the people that aren't my "FB friends." So I couldn't help but laugh at first, because really, who cares enough to defriend someone on FB (or has the time to be that petty), but after that... I have to admit... it did kinda hurt. And now I'm sitting here thinking...."I still don't even know what I did!!!" And even that seems a bit funny. Because if I don't even know what I did, and I didn't even notice I was defriended...then did I really care about this person in the first place??? Yes. Yes I did. But apparently not enough to consider them anything more than a FB friend :o) So maybe I've lost nothing. I don't know. Maybe Facebook will tell me. It seems to regulate my interpersonal relationships more than I ever expected it to....
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